Back to New York
This is a quick accounting of my two therapy sessions. I'll post my thoughts on New York and seeing my family in a separate post.
9/3 therapy.
First session since October 2018. It was at his home office, in Scarsdale. Scarsdale is very nice, the houses are big and upscale. Given that its Westchester though, I suppose that's to be expected. Doc seemed more comfortable than I ever remember him being in New York. The environment in the city must add to his stress. We covered my mistrust of everything, even apparently of my family, who I hadn't seen in five years. I told of how I was holding off on seeing them into I got down in weight, fearing a negative judgment since I've ballooned up.
When this was rebutted, then the notion that they couldn't say anything since I was paying for everything entered my thoughts, to which Doc responded "Oh, so you bought them off?" with obvious skeptical mirth.
Apparently the thought that their gratitude in seeing me for the first time in five years would outweigh the rest of that was a forestalled possibility-- it simply never even entered my mind. I wouldn't have gone probably if not for the advice of my Latina and Doc said she gave good advice. I'll have to reward her for that. It was quite novel seeing my nephews and niece for the first time. I had originally wanted to do three sessions in three days, but that didn't happen because Doc couldn't commit to the second--labor day. Originally I was pissed and thought he was slacking, but now I see it worked out for the better, what with seeing my family.
The entire interaction was like a verbal joust, with point and counter-point. Those are probably my defenses. I told him I felt too passive at times and wanted to be more aggressive, and at times felt I could be very dominant yet always tamped it down.
9/4 therapy.
Today turned out to be more physical. We went over more mistrust, apparently I believe people will have a negative reaction if I just be myself. I just want to be aggressive. I said I found myself to be too passive. I told Doc that I felt I could not just begin action, because he could potentially react negatively and then I'm out of luck when it comes to therapy, if I offend.
Politeness isn't passivity also, this was a point that was covered. I felt as if I was asking permission to get down on the couch, to begin physical work.
Then he asked me restate it in a way that wasn't asking for permission. I thought about it and said or I'd rather maybe not say anything at all, and do the action wordlessly. As an aside, we talked of Lowens methods (Bioenergetics) briefly, then rolfing and primal screaming. They are deficient in that they think simple expulsion of emotions is a positive. "If something is happening, anything, its good". What they lose sight of is contact with the patient, to see if the person can tolerate that which is being expressed. We talked about politics too, a bit, and came to the unanimous agreement that DiBlasio is garbage and instituting very bad policies for NYC.
Some insight came in the initial impulse I spoke of to dominance, which I then reacted against by becoming more passive. The initial impulse was a bit outsize, and when I stifled that or didn't express it, it only tended to grow and over time, become enormous.
Physically, a lot of screaming came out. My face and forehead started feeling tense shortly after arriving, the left side most of all. Doc pressed down and it rolled out nearly continuously. I wasn't expecting water to come from my eyes, but it did. After nearly 10 minutes of this, I shut my eyes and could not see. When I did open them back up, it was quite hard to focus my vision and took some time to resume, but I was not disoriented. Simply couldn't focus. A few minutes later we ended and I told him I planned to come back out in the spring and do three or more weekly. For now I head back to Phoenix...dreaming of the finish line.
9/3 therapy.
First session since October 2018. It was at his home office, in Scarsdale. Scarsdale is very nice, the houses are big and upscale. Given that its Westchester though, I suppose that's to be expected. Doc seemed more comfortable than I ever remember him being in New York. The environment in the city must add to his stress. We covered my mistrust of everything, even apparently of my family, who I hadn't seen in five years. I told of how I was holding off on seeing them into I got down in weight, fearing a negative judgment since I've ballooned up.
When this was rebutted, then the notion that they couldn't say anything since I was paying for everything entered my thoughts, to which Doc responded "Oh, so you bought them off?" with obvious skeptical mirth.
Apparently the thought that their gratitude in seeing me for the first time in five years would outweigh the rest of that was a forestalled possibility-- it simply never even entered my mind. I wouldn't have gone probably if not for the advice of my Latina and Doc said she gave good advice. I'll have to reward her for that. It was quite novel seeing my nephews and niece for the first time. I had originally wanted to do three sessions in three days, but that didn't happen because Doc couldn't commit to the second--labor day. Originally I was pissed and thought he was slacking, but now I see it worked out for the better, what with seeing my family.
The entire interaction was like a verbal joust, with point and counter-point. Those are probably my defenses. I told him I felt too passive at times and wanted to be more aggressive, and at times felt I could be very dominant yet always tamped it down.
9/4 therapy.
Today turned out to be more physical. We went over more mistrust, apparently I believe people will have a negative reaction if I just be myself. I just want to be aggressive. I said I found myself to be too passive. I told Doc that I felt I could not just begin action, because he could potentially react negatively and then I'm out of luck when it comes to therapy, if I offend.
Politeness isn't passivity also, this was a point that was covered. I felt as if I was asking permission to get down on the couch, to begin physical work.
Then he asked me restate it in a way that wasn't asking for permission. I thought about it and said or I'd rather maybe not say anything at all, and do the action wordlessly. As an aside, we talked of Lowens methods (Bioenergetics) briefly, then rolfing and primal screaming. They are deficient in that they think simple expulsion of emotions is a positive. "If something is happening, anything, its good". What they lose sight of is contact with the patient, to see if the person can tolerate that which is being expressed. We talked about politics too, a bit, and came to the unanimous agreement that DiBlasio is garbage and instituting very bad policies for NYC.
Some insight came in the initial impulse I spoke of to dominance, which I then reacted against by becoming more passive. The initial impulse was a bit outsize, and when I stifled that or didn't express it, it only tended to grow and over time, become enormous.
Physically, a lot of screaming came out. My face and forehead started feeling tense shortly after arriving, the left side most of all. Doc pressed down and it rolled out nearly continuously. I wasn't expecting water to come from my eyes, but it did. After nearly 10 minutes of this, I shut my eyes and could not see. When I did open them back up, it was quite hard to focus my vision and took some time to resume, but I was not disoriented. Simply couldn't focus. A few minutes later we ended and I told him I planned to come back out in the spring and do three or more weekly. For now I head back to Phoenix...dreaming of the finish line.
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