clear vision - clear results

I dreamt of her, once more. I was driving up a one lane highway, situated above a sea of vast water, with no guardrail. I nearly spin off a few times, it's a miracle i don't land in the ocean.  It was in Alabama,  but I was aiming to get to Mississippi. I end up on an island with her, for some reason.  We meet, and there is a beautiful, tiny white child. Blonde hair,  blue eyes. I think to time our last session,  to confirm that he is mine,  but I know. i want to speak,  but what to say?  I'm sorry for being away?  Just needed time I suppose. I suppose there is still some flame in my heart, for her. Love equates to meaning. I find little here beyond accumulating money. If I still love her,  or desire her, does that mean I haven't changed as a person ?  Perhaps.  At least on that one subject, the subject of woman, I have not moved forward. I wonder what she's up to.

from Oct to Nov 15th...much of this time was spent idling, pacing and preparing for the upcoming move. the preparation made the move simple. shipping my things was easy thanks to Amtrak Express, and cost effective as well. landed my first apartment, then off I went. 4 years in New York down... coming to Charleston, was not much of a culture shock.as I grew up in Syracuse & this seems to be a more upscale, classy version of that city. similar population. the layout requires use of a ca,r, which I don't have at present. anyway, I'm glad to be out of New York. I'll be sure to visit in the summer, maybe buy a pad for that purpose. there's too much action there not to. my arrival day was interesting. the man who helped with transporting my belongings to the apartment is mixed, as I am, only his father was black with my own white. he immediately asked me if I was mixed upon meeting. guess we can sense each other on some level, but to that point I'd never had that h...

after 4 years in New York...I now live in Charleston, South Carolina. how awesome is that? the goal isn't yet achieved, that being Phoenix of course, one more step to the finish line. but I like what I see down here, deep in the South. there are some decent chicks around that I've spotted, but even more are fine from what fellas are telling me. plus there's a 7to1 female:male ratio! I have a medium-high paying job, and my health soon to be completely recovered--more on that later. things are looking up.

I was reading some threads on catholic.com and the juxtaposition of them was extremely lucid and instructive in relation to my understanding of females and their motivations (and machinations). On one thread [ http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=870532 ] a man left his city on a business trip and his wife took that opportunity to step out on him. Even worse, she became pregnant from that encounter. Worse still, the baby is of a different race, only adding to his shame and frustration. Now, the advice in that thread, mainly from women and zombie males, was indirectly stating that he should support that child, and respect her feelings. Respect her feelings eh? What is there to respect from a woman who explicitly seeks to become impregnated by another male without even the possibility of being able to conceal it as her husband’s own, as is frequently done, due to the differing race? To me it almost seemed as if the women in their comments were verbally tip-toeing around the w...

So, after my newfound revelation of fiber and how it impacts our satiety, diet and overall health, I trekked out to the store to try and find some items that contained a decent amount. If the required daily intake for an adult male is ~38G, I’d be satisfied with about 24, or about 2/3rds. Upon entering, I went first to the cereal aisle, as one would think there would be a huge concentration there. What I found however, was the opposite. Trix, Cocoa Puffs, Captain Crunch, even the so-called “healthy” namesakes of our time, Cheerios and Special K, all contained under 5g of fiber per serving. That’s to say nothing of cereals such as Rice Krispies and Frosted Flakes which are bordering on zero. What this basically means is that as soon as you eat these foods, your body begins to expel it. There’s nothing of nutritional value to “hold” it inside your body. Hence, your stomach empties. Blood glucose rises, as does insulin, subsequently. Energy levels drop, and the strength of the nerv...

in the past month, I've been to the gym approximately 23 days. Yet, on the scale, I have only lost 3 total pounds. Very disconcerting. during my walk today, I decided to stick to the old plan: No food after a certain time (namely, 8). This is to give my body some much needed rest during the night, to speed up the recovery and cleansing process, to accelerate growth hormone levels, and also to instill some food discipline. I've been eating whenever & whatever, and that has to change if I'm going to make any use out of all the effort I expend in the gym, which has been considerable. I am going to drop this weight and I plan on sleeping it off primarily.

or as Voltaire so eloquently stated: "God, is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh" I'm getting jabbed at by the infinite. A practical joke! The fruition of my intention in SharePoint is at hand, and lo! On the very same day, I receive two mails for SharePoint admin positions in two other places. The locales? Scottsdale, AZ (suburb of PHX), and Buffalo, NY, my former residence for 7 years. I wonder if this is some sort of capitulation from the infinite. Could be. either way, God definitely has a sense of humor. It is, more oft than not, dark and twisted, yet, perhaps underneath, there lies sort of logical beauty to it as well.

so last night I went out, after a thunderstorm, while it was still drizzling, and proceeded to slap the backboard 25 times, each hand, stand-still. why? I'm addicted to the game again. Saturday played morning and afternoon, then Sunday my training. played today in the morning, a bit of 1on1 and some sprints, but I couldn't really train how I wanted. it seems I'm having some knee troubles, tendinitis most likely and its been hanging around for a few weeks now. I want to get it checked out, because I think I feel some extra fluid around the left side of the knee. before I go though I want to ice it and see how it reacts. another thing I've been thinking about is Phoenix. that is where I will go. I remember hearing from Dr. Perlmutter how Vitamin D3 acts as a steroid in the body, and that's exactly how I feel after my sun sessions every workday noon--much stronger, much more liable to act, just extra energy overall. I don't want that to go away, and I'm afr...

just a quick update, since its been a month. I'm happy to say that my diet is very finally, nearly under control. the writing and journaling I've been doing has been paying off: culminating in a moment where I actually walked away from buying sweets yesterday. rarely have I done that, and never when I let the images sit in my mind for hours. since Friday (5/15), all eating after 8pm has ceased, and its having a wondrous effect on my daily productivity and overall mental clarity.  its also helped me wake up earlier and wake up quicker. today, for the first time (maybe in my life, that I remember) I woke up 6am sharp and went to the gym to work on my basketball game. usually I'll lay around for 30-45 minutes then go. I got some shots in, left-handed layups, bank off the glass from the right and left sides, and worked on my post moves as well. the hardest part was the post moves from the right box, because going into the middle from that side, you have to be able to finish ...

weather wise, here in New York, we are still getting intermittent snow. the temperatures seem to be trending upward though, and its only a matter of time until steady sunshine breaks through. thus, my life. over the past month~, I have moved away from many phases/activities that I once took part in. Hip-Hop Dancing, is now over with. I still have some groove left over, and it was a worth (ye tcostly!) ~5 grand spent. Toastmasters, now done. I suppose I became fed up with the woman co-founder there, and found her to be quite annoying, (as I do with most women who try to lead) although that isn't it, speaking completely. my time there is just up. last but not least to transition, should be my position here at Tommy. the time has flown by, hard to believe I've been here for 16 months already. its been OK, but I knew awhile back that I wouldn't be staying. I have to press on toward greater heights, and once I heard from my manager that raises would be paltry this year, I kn...

Another day. A bit later on. Not much to say, I just closed my eyes to begin. Doc told me to flip over, I did so. He pressed on the left side of my neck, I laughed. He maneuvered around to the right side, I laughed. The middle: I laughed. I laughed and laughed, until the pressure built up and the shouts came. I yelped out in pain, continuously and kicked my legs some. There's a lot of pressure, on the occiput, specifically on the left side. Some was released from the right as well. Afterward, I asked a few questions. I don't remember all of them now. One had to do with myself getting weaker. Cuts are taking longer to heal it seems. Probably just imagining, or I'm not eating enough meat or something. Also, he gave me a mini-paradigm shift. I asked if it was normal to be thinking about death occasionally, and contrasted that to Tyrion's character in Game of Thrones, who said "I like living". Both emotions are within me, at various times. He said yes. I find ...

After roughly a month's absence, I'm back in the mix. I caught up to Doc, asked him how his New Year was going, he said fine. Anything new? "No, just snow". Yearly, his rates go up so I was apprised of that. Then I told that this month would be a bit shaky in terms of coming to the sessions, as I was likely going to go out and look for a new position. He asked if it was work related, it was then I filled him in on the latest events: i.e., the manager there going off for no apparent reason. The details I won't type here, as I do not care in this moment to explicate, but needless to say, at work I now have to be more circumspect, and observant in case the guy goes off again, for no reason which he likely will. Doc's words to me were basically to keep my focus on the work that has to be done, and this would get me through any situations where folks are yelling, going off, and all other types of weirdness that would flummox ordinary individuals. Great advice, ...