clear vision - clear results

 Orange County this past Thanksgiving I went and saw my cousin, Aquah, who I had no seen in eight years. I stayed for two days. it was a quick plane flight, about an hour roughly. prior she lived in Indio which is basically the desert, but now is in Orange County-Huntington Beach. anyway she picked me up and immediately remarked on how I had been eating good. that was pretty funny, and aptly stated. then we went back to her apartment and there I saw her two little daughters, both now eight. I remember holding them when they were infants. now they were running all over the place. I could tell it was a lot of work for her and Craig, who I met for the first time, to take care of them. to this end, they had round the clock assistance from hired hands to manage the children. the first day went well enough. we cooked: turkey, beef roast, stuffing, and all sorts of side dishes. Craig's family came over to eat, I talked college football with them and everything was fine. af...

yesterday at the gym with my trainer...I was mesmerized by the body of this one woman. she must've been Italian but she had tight spandex pants pulled up over his belly and basically a criss-crossing workout top, colored light blue. her frame was magnificent. before her I can't remember feeling such a strong desire to want to "connect" with a woman. I sat down for a bit just to take it all in, but then it was time to move on. Talking Body (KREAM Remix) a lot has occurred since the past update but of course its a woman who inspires another post. other than that brief interlude, I am now 32 years old. I spent my birthday weekend in Las Vegas and had a great time. I had heard over the years just how much fun there is to have in Vegas, and its all true. the hype is real. World Famous Las Vegas sign I went with my ladyfriend, and we saw quite a few sights. the musical water-jets, the Mob Museum, Las Vegas Downtown, the Hoover Dam (beforehand), K...

10-20,21 First one was the first time I had seen the doc since late 2014, nearly 4 years.   He has gotten thinner. We talked about a lot. His kids are 8, a son and 11, a daughter, now. I told him of my exit from New York in 2015,   South Carolina then my move to Phoenix. My current relationships were covered also, male friendships too, on whether I feel deprived at a dearth of them. Surprisingly,   we spent the most time talking about weight, and the best way to lose it.   He said that he recommends to everyone to lose only 0.5lb per week. The reason for this is because when you lose weight, you inevitably feel more. Then he brought up sustainability as a key factor, maybe the key factor, which I hadn't considered. The goal is to drop it and keep it off, not have a resurgence just a year down the line. Some tips were given to have a breakfast as well as a more meaty lunch,   including protein, since I've been eating oatmeal or apple sauce when...

It has now been one full year since supreme passed, on October 1st, 2017. Two excerpts from the Celtics Myths & Legends by Eoin Neeson state how I feel with more eloquence than I can muster at present. Well loved pillar of pure gold Lying now beside the ford, dead; cold! Gentle supreme; dear to me, Always shall his image be - Yesterday a mountain looming Now a shadow in the gloaming I'm just getting started in the game, and have a long way to go. But I'm in it to win it. Love you man.

the long drought is over. I feel much more relaxed. Saturday night I went out with a girl I met from the site. she was supposed to meet me to see a movie but she was late, so I told her that we'll get dinner later and we did, after I finished watching the film. the movie was great also, one of the best I've ever seen. the title was 'Alpha' . it was about a prehistoric boy who bonds with a wolf to survive in the wilderness. she picked me up from there and drove to the theater. we ate at the Cheesecake factory, which I wanted to try, having never been there. prior to our dinner we had a drink, and after we got a table and began the date. the kitchen took a long time to make the food, in the meantime I gained some good information about the woman I was facing, such as how old her child was, when the last time she dated was, where the father was, and so on. she was kind of into astrology which I found interesting. she's a fellow Scorpio! right on the cusp, Oct 23. she...

or unease. I'm still trying to adjust to a new sense of identity, or an expanded sense even. Its quite uncomfortable and, I feel weird daily, as if a foreign body were merging with my being. However, I must do this. I am obligated to by a law or principle so deep and mysterious I cannot even define it definitively at present. I can barely scratch the surface of it. I suppose I simply have to force my way through, and adjust over time. My mentor once stated that the person inside me would have to die. I do not know if that is entirely required, but I certainly feel a transformation taking place--a shift. I hope I like myself once I get there.

I am starting to realize that a lot of the game is simply picking up on social cues that women give and being able to respond accordingly. for instance one woman yesterday gave me the good morning message on pof.  she is therefore receptive to more conversation. I responded once but did not carry it forward, which is my error. same with the other chicks who wish me good night or good morning. it means they are thinking about me, in some fashion at least. one area which I find myself being caught flat-footed in is the constant hesitation and waffling I seem to possess. I hold myself back from engaging fully. I know not why exactly. perhaps its from habit, perhaps it is  from a lingering anxiety, an anticipation of fear of failure and the consequences from that from even if I did engage fully and still did not succeed. in any event, its breaking the flow that I am to create with the women that I engage. every woman has a rhythm and every interaction has its own rhythm. I...

The ride to LA began with me screaming at myself internally, the voice which gives delivers me morals to follow (superego) clashing with my real ego, with my real ego demanding the space and freedom to follow the precepts of supreme, and my superego wanting to keep up the isolation that I've been in. I can't say just who has won at this point, its an ongoing battle and only time will tell. On the bus I had an decent conversation with a cat from San Bernardino and he told me of a great free movies website, named gostream movies. After that, I arrived in LA and it was 1am so I got my hotel key and went to sleep. The station is located in the middle of Skid Row for some reason, probably cheap property costs. My hotel was in Hollywood. Woke up Sat morning and headed to the Chinese Theatre on Hollywood Blvd, where I saw the first movie in theaters in about three years-- Mission Impossible: Fallout . The action was excellent, from the motorcycle riding and driving to the fight...

I just spent about a week talking with a broad online only to ask her phone number, have her think about it and have her get cold feet. the thing upon reflection which I caught is that "the game is to be sold, not to be told". I told her I wanted to talk to her on the phone, which she started hemming and hawing over, which I then replied to as it being a way for me to screen women, which probably wasn't the greatest move. these bitches don't need to know the game techniques that I'm running. all they need to know is the feeling and the experience that I'm going to give them. its somewhat akin to deception, only more the creation of an illusory (or real?) state to put them in, almost to hypnotize them in a sense. plus, if she's not willing to give that up, a mere phone number, after a full week of conversation, she won't be willing to give up other things which will be required of her later on. indeed, I shouldn't have told her what I was d...

at certain points throughout the week I feel more and more restless. in the past few months it'd happen bi-weekly but now it recurs at least once weekly. I am bored. I enjoy video games and reading but its the summer and I should be out there, out there playing. yet, I'm still a fatboy and so cannot enjoin with others. or so I tell myself. I wonder just when is it I'll be able to participate fully fledged in the game I think so frequently about. as it were, other than that I'm doing well. goals are doing well. reducing debt, learning new facts, advancing my career skills. aside from financial and knowledge advancements, the balance with my social life is out of whack however every time I endeavor to think on it, that weight issue prevents me from cognitively proceeding further... the reality has yet to fully sink in that, at least at first, I'm going to have to work for pussy. damn it. in other news there're some big events going down geopolitically speaking...

Living in some very interesting times right now. Ever since President Trump started his campaign, earned the nomination and then won the Presidency, he's been subjected to a relentless barrage of attacks, from corporate elites, the media and Congress. and he's also dealt out plenty as well. its been one wild, strange and entertaining ride. and now, it seems the FBI is openly at war with him. his personal attorney's office got raided, superficially because they are looking for proof of "illegal" payments to a porn star. but the real reason is to bait Trump and get him to react rashly, which isn't going to happen. this signifies strongly that Trump is an independent actor whom most of establishment Congress does not want to see prosper, and that includes players on both sides of the aisle. not only that, but his presidency has showed just how "managed" the office really was. the vibe seems to have been that the President be controlled by his advisors, ...

I've been pondering over some of the processes of life, of achievement. it seems to me I've been missing the 2nd step, which is thinking tactically, or "how" to achieve things. for so long I've been relying on sheer willpower, whereas I'm starting to gather that brainpower would get me a lot further. if A is willpower and C is the end-goal, then I've been drawing over B for nearly everything which plagues me. this applies to many problems I've had. I've successfully used the pondering of problems to solve my inability to fast. next up is the weight problem, and how to become a pimp as well. willpower, is just the first step, and according to Theron Dumont, an emergency use of energy. it can't be relied on in the medium or long term, as a "sustained" store of action. jumping to the end state doesn't seem to be probable for more intricate or nuanced problems. the other part of this is as Joseph Murphy says: "you are ...

while walking on my way to the Suns game today, I had roughly an hour to really think about things. recently another mentor, well I won't say mentor exactly, but an advisor to the game for me passed last month, in February. unlike supreme though, he didn't go naturally. he committed suicide, at age 37. this man was in the prime of his life, owned his own dance studio, was successful, but seemingly saw no way out. or maybe he saw nothing else left for him to achieve? I don't understand it. but then again, I sort of do. I will never commit suicide, but with supreme's passing I truly realized that death is on its way for me. and its not just for me; its for everybody, but the concept of death holds much more tangibility when it is personalized. maybe he just wanted to speed up the process. my biological father is gone...never knew him. step-father, gone in 2003. my first step-father, passed in 2008. then supreme recently... sometimes I wonder why we fight? the en...