clear vision - clear results

Have to write this out now, before I forget.   I got there and picked up from where we left off the night before. The main thrust of what he is saying is be professional, regardless of whether above or below somebody.In situations where I become unsettled, then is precisely when it is most crucial to remain professional. Phrasing of expression is key in the workplace: blunt language rarely works, but assertive language does.    I talked about the family/work thing, which had confused me to a point. I did not know: if its all about the work, and everything comes down to the work, why do people continually try to conflate the two? is it on purpose, to get us to drop our psychic guard? I used to continually wonder this: did V really mean what he said when he said we're like family? or did D mean that, I am like a son? The conclusion I come to is  NO : you can't fire a family member if they don't perform. There is no performance metric. They don't have ...

Focus on the work, he says. This is the gist, the core of what was being imparted. At work, I made a gesture when being told to put my name on the ticket, and had to have a conversation with the lead. So, this was insubordination apparently, especially if done in front of others. Basically I always have to do what is told, what the boss says. If I don't like it, feel free to find another job. So I will. I understand now. All that occurs on the job to be taken in context, of being on the job. I just dislike the probing that occurs, the false personal stuff. These people do not give a real damn about me, they aren't friends, therefore they do not need to know anything about me on a personal level. That's not relevant here. Okay, fine then. If its about the job, lets keep it about the job. The work. It is just a job I'm afraid. If I must be present, let me get the most bang for my "buck" [time]. Let me not go out with the crew then, when I can escape it. When ...

Last nights dream was a direct corollary of the therapy session last night. I awoke, inside a house with a woman (who resembled one of the dance apprentices I train with). It was in a dark room, yet the light from the hallway was on the edge, outlining our silhouettes. I began kissing her passionately, in my arms when I spotted someone hanging from the ceiling. I remember before this it seemed as if I was traveling from room to room? The figure, who seemed to be laying supine on the ceiling, threw a dart to immobilize the woman, and next one was thrown to immobilize me. This is, in re, part of the story of my life... it very powerfully reflects my experience.   Next, over the past few days the tone and  qualia  of comments people have been making has been extremely reflective, to my eyes at least. As I know, there's a principle or rather a working of the inner belief in such a way that when one is making a true change, in the beginning period, the opposite of th...

Another illuminating session. I shared my encounter with the kids on the train, who made jest of the book I was reading: 'The American Irish!"   Then I followed up with more questions and comments concerning people. I thought the basis for interaction should be more from a sense of goodwill, rather than some sort of utilitarian motive. I gave the example of the kid I tried to bring into the fold, when I was first learning IT. the kid whom others thought to be violently repressed. I  must  give the Doc credit, he clarified this: saying that in every interaction, there is an interchange and this is true. There's always some attractive force at play. He spoke also of pleasure gained from the interaction, and I realized that I have an easier time communicating with those who have less of an ego. As it were, my work, at least on a social, interpersonal level likely comes in correctly appraising the character of others: the genuine from the false, (or egoistical)....

An intense session. I've been working out a lot, and it must've come out during this session. I began with an explication of my strategy to deal with people, and women. I would take women less seriously, as if you do impart to them the level of seriousness reserved for reality, or take their actions to heart, or over-evaluate, then one is liable to go insane. With people in general, I see the world as having a utilitarian mindset when it comes to others, What I mean is that how most people see others is in terms of how they can best serve them, what purposes or aims they could fulfill in the beholders own life. I don't like that, and I explained that vs. the type of relationship I thought interaction should revolve around: goodwill toward others. unfortunately it isn't like that. with women, 90% of them are about looks, but there are exceptions, for instance the woman who dated the 400lb fat guy, she was able to see through underneath to who he really was. there are...

Last night, I got it! Hey! Passed the 70-412: Configuring Advanced Windows Server 2012 Services test with flying colors: 962 , out of 1000. This was a test that has given me serious trouble for over a month! It was hands down the hardest exam I've ever taken, inclusive of all the total years spent in schooling. During, I wasn't sure what would happen, then at the end, when I saw the score, my legs become enervated and I could barely walk to get the paper, I really put a majority of my effort into this one: and I'm there. Officially have my MCSA: Server 2012. I got it! Celebrated with a delicious blueberry scone, and some healthy food. Not bad a bad capstone. Now, I am that much closer to the dream. SharePoint is up next, and I've made some light progress there. I was overjoyed, but it was short lived as my thoughts turned to my sister, who is due for another baby in a few months. Yes, another child that she has little hope of supporting at this juncture in her ...

Well, some stuff broke through. Doc pressed on my right jaw, it hurt, then my chest reverberated. I think with me he has a wait/see approach.    We talked more about mistrust. He said perception is always prior to thinking. Then I told him of the comment I heard yesterday, which I was admonished not to over think. He lauded it for being accurate but, it didn't come from me. Then, I held my hands, forearms over my eyes a lot. I did yesterday as well. This world is so corrupt at times. I even said as much. Then I asked why I shut my eyes. He returned the query. I said I did not know. He related it to my earlier statement on seeing people and how base their motivations were. I said I did not know if the reason was within, or without. Then I told him he felt like he was 50 yards away.    Doc: "and is that a good thing, or a bad thing?"   Me: "I do not know"   Him: "phrased another way, do you shut your eyes to maintain distance from pe...

I'm trying to remember...Doc pressed down on my forehead, and some screams came out. He said I could ask him any question. I cannot at that time recall what I asked. But I let loose some of my anger at the world. The people I said, they are all tacit culprits, in their silence. They help create the problem then they have the nerve, the temerity, to act like they don't know why these sorts of insane events happen. They know fucking well why people take guns and just spray bullets. Nobody helped me.  I had to figure it out on my own. I beat my chest because it wouldn't stop spasming, then told Doc "see, I stopped it". He just nodded and mm-hmmed. I actually went to dance after, although I was stumbling and could barely walk. A passerby, woman, asked me if I was ok. I got to Canal and was going to depart to Queens, but figured I might as well get my dancing time in. The rest is chronicled in my dancer log(tm). What a night eh.

A lot of talking at the start. I entered with two things, a statement and a question. The question was in relation to women, whether or not I was even in the right mindset to be with one. I told of the dark foreboding I get when I look around at them, and then he said that at least I recognize this, but how correct could the thought be, if I don't even know the woman? He continually drives home the point that not all women are the same, the opposite of which I do believe, or are after money, but everything in my experience leads me to think otherwise.   He brought up his example of the woman who starts to like me, which leads me to think, automatically that she is trying to trap me. He said there's a potential alternative view to the situation, to her, but I don't want alternative viewpoints, I want the truth. Can I see what's directly in front me? Then he said I cannot arrive at the truth if I am locked into this one way of seeing. Repeatedly I asked him to c...

I related my dream of the soldiers, plus the sword & woman with black eyes. He interpreted it, quite simply I might add. Woman with black eyes=evil, demon. The sword capable of being wielded by man or beast is my fear of my anger, and the soldier with the great sword is my anger, my potential to do damage.   Then I covered my eyes. This world is so fucking ugly sometimes, actually most of the time. Have to see the beauty in the dark spots.   I pointed at him with my eyes closed, saying that he did not care, that nobody cared. So fuck  em . I don't care. But, as he said, I don't care is the opposite of fuck  em . Fuck  em , implies deep feeling.   Physically, he pressed on my back, calves & neck. I refused to kick, saying that I could not. I lay there, and did not wish to move. It was like my body was saying "No."   Coming back, its slightly strange. My neck, on the left side feels looser. As does my psyche. It ...

Today was an important session I feel, for reasons I'm unable to delineate just yet.   It was on the whole a conversational session, with plenty of give & take.    My mistrust was outlined once again, and I posed many questions concerning women. Chief among them was: if I have two impulses or desires from them: one to feel secure, and loved, and the other to run free, and wild, which to follow? His answer enumerated Freud's pleasure principle, which basically is to say, do what gives you the most pleasure, if you can stand it. A central qualification. My counterpoint here was to say that a backup is needed, as things inevitably can and most often, do fall apart.   Then he spoke of my tendency to  ab normalize  the female impulse to reach for comfort/stability in men. He said I have trouble accepting this from them, that I tend to cast a mistrustful eye whenever the subject of money is involved. And I should. Or should I? I want...

We humans live in an amazing world, an amazing and a sad world. I saw her last night. a facsimile of the one, the one woman who approached me all those years ago. when I first came to New York. that it happened within a day of me going on one meal diet is substantial to my eyes, it continues to amaze how fast the universe is in responding sometimes. The other thing I feel is, I'm heartsick over this woman. and I don't even know her. so much for my idealism being dead? I thought it had been killed off by New York City. whatever the case, some strong blows have definitely been dealt to it by social reality over these past years in my life. What do I want? I don't know. I want both. To have the security and love in a woman, but be able to run free, wild, simultaneously.

The indentation over my left brow smarts. Memories of being hit with the belt buckle return to me. If this is the cause, truly it is amazing in the fullest sense how the body stores injury over many years, even for a lifetime.     It started off jokingly today, then I grew silent and, the trouble began to emerge from my limbs. Achingly, as if needing the release that only full expression brings, negative or positive: my body yearned to shout, to hit, to kick. I held it back, long as I could, then I asked for help. The towel first, then him pressing down on my brow. At inception, the thought of asking for assistance infuriated me, however, it was either that, or explode, literally.    The tension there is still felt by me, I suppose. The only thing I know after today is that I have a lot of hurt in me, raw physical hurt, from the beatings of course, and, more importantly, that my back-to-back approach is working. I will continue.

First of the month. I'm on the train with a slight tension in the lower left of my occiput. Doc pressed over my left eyebrow, and...I heard panic in the shouts coming from my mouth. It was instant.   Mostly I did not talk. I told the Doc I was tired of talking. He said that was OK, and just sat there, and let me be silent.    Thank you.   We humans are funny creatures. Funny, and strange. Oftentimes lately I am starting to wonder what the hell I'm doing here. Not in therapy. On this madhouse we call home. Earth.   Back to the session, after the shouts, I kept my eyes closed. Whatever it is, I don't want to see it. The air felt strange, thickly charged somehow, like an overbearing weight was leaning on me, blanketing me. Doc was close, yet he also felt far. Some negative transference was spoken, by me of course. Tomorrows' another day.

Today I said mo words yet, I feel better.   Mainly I thought about women, and how stupid, mindless and superficial they are. I thought about a better place. Is there a better place I could go? I feel extremely confident that there is. Confident that I could find it, hopeful that it exists.   As far as my interactions with women go, well I could build a "deep" relationship with a woman, only to get my heart ripped out, and have my identity vanish years or even decades down the line.    Or,  I could just touch & go. Fuck them where I can, and keep rolling. Enjoy the connection with the ones I feel connected to, and keep moving. The better alternative.    I was silent because, I didn't want to talk. So sick of talking. Fucking tired of talking. It means almost nothing.   Whatever happens, who gives a fuck eh?

How can I try & at least see the Docs point on women? I feel like he hasn't been at a point where he's seen the worst of women, how downright amoral & ferocious they can be. "All women are not the same, some women". Yeah maybe, but when you've seen enough bullshit from them, even the good? No, rather nicer ones get painted in a bad light. He thinks its the mans job to provide, honestly I feel so too, to be the breadwinner, but where is the worthy woman?   I feel like he takes their side a lot. But they are not for us is what he does not understand. They are for themselves, for their children. It is reflected in all conversations I engage in with them. Solipsism...   I need a new attitude toward women to move forward, but with what I've seen and read, its so hard. Mission impossible, x10.   Then the nature example of the warbler, the bird being rejected because its plumage was not of a certain color. Is that what all this come...

Life seems to be flattening out. Surrounded by predators...is my only recourse to become one?   I'm honestly not looking to fuck anyone over...   Yesterday, even my brother asked the question, about the shoes, myself possibly  paying for it. It must be some aura I am giving off. I don't know anymore.   My visit there was the definition of a mixed bag. I enjoyed seeing Jayla. She is still shy around me. But  the shit I was hearing from my siblings, sisters in particular was a lot to take, and I will not, shall not transcribe it here. They are sailing with no compass, adrift at sea.  I am glad I set my psychic guard up before I came. Other than that, what can I say? Ne'er did I think to be glad (semi-glad, really) to be back in NY, yet here I am. I'm excited to keep building, to learn about the topics I have in mind. The rest of this year should be awesome.

Had a dream where I was James brown but I didn't know the moves. Fucking awesome. Then, I somehow got impaled through my legs, the top of my ankle lean through with a bamboo splinter. I was pulling it out but it kept coming. I then ended up at Alicia's place. She had a flat. I knocked and when she saw me she was heated and she began to move to leave. Her friends were there. I stopped her and showed my ankle, that I needed their help. They started to stitch me up. Then her & I began to argue, and I became super aggressive and grabbed her by the shoulders, and shoved her against the wall, a brick wall. She asked me : " why you don't  wanna  act like I was pregnant/" but that's something Candi should've said, not her. Then her attraction for me spiked, and she then said "fuck me dirty". I did.   I miss her sex, to be honest.   The next day I went back there, but she was hanging with her friends. I felt out of place all of a sud...

Had a dream this night concerning dance, and women. The strongest thing was my ex girlfriend, her hair was cut short, and now in thick braids. She looked good. The setting was a large theatre. I was a dancer, just having performed and now sitting in the audience. The girl I was with wanted to change seats, to get closer. We crossed down the audience steps and over (stage right), to the middle section in front. I was following her for some reason, and was nervous about my ex seeing me. Then it was time for audience questions. My ex was called on, only her name was now Savage. Guess that goes to show how I feel.about women.    I'm tired of thinking about bitches. 

8-20   I'm resisting it. These are my thoughts post therapy, today. Resisting...resisting what? What am I resisting?    The whippings I got? The merciless beatings I received? Or...something else? ...   I kept saying no. No to what? perhaps, it was about who I really am. My anger. My rage. My aggression. My  masculinity ...   I wonder. Time will prove this notion either baseless conjecture, or a grounded verity.   8-21   Good. Mainly a lot of shouting this session, not much talking. The words escape me...I felt the trouble vibrations emanating from my core, as I dug my ass into the bed, shouting and screaming. My jaw let loose pain from the neck, shoulder, and pelvic areas. Then Doc pressed into my neck, and I let the sound out of my jaws. I could feel the dissonance dissolving almost. Upon exiting, it was almost as if I was struggling to recall, or remember some key face. My brow was furrowed.