clear vision - clear results

Life seems to be flattening out. Surrounded by predators...is my only recourse to become one?   I'm honestly not looking to fuck anyone over...   Yesterday, even my brother asked the question, about the shoes, myself possibly  paying for it. It must be some aura I am giving off. I don't know anymore.   My visit there was the definition of a mixed bag. I enjoyed seeing Jayla. She is still shy around me. But  the shit I was hearing from my siblings, sisters in particular was a lot to take, and I will not, shall not transcribe it here. They are sailing with no compass, adrift at sea.  I am glad I set my psychic guard up before I came. Other than that, what can I say? Ne'er did I think to be glad (semi-glad, really) to be back in NY, yet here I am. I'm excited to keep building, to learn about the topics I have in mind. The rest of this year should be awesome.

Had a dream where I was James brown but I didn't know the moves. Fucking awesome. Then, I somehow got impaled through my legs, the top of my ankle lean through with a bamboo splinter. I was pulling it out but it kept coming. I then ended up at Alicia's place. She had a flat. I knocked and when she saw me she was heated and she began to move to leave. Her friends were there. I stopped her and showed my ankle, that I needed their help. They started to stitch me up. Then her & I began to argue, and I became super aggressive and grabbed her by the shoulders, and shoved her against the wall, a brick wall. She asked me : " why you don't  wanna  act like I was pregnant/" but that's something Candi should've said, not her. Then her attraction for me spiked, and she then said "fuck me dirty". I did.   I miss her sex, to be honest.   The next day I went back there, but she was hanging with her friends. I felt out of place all of a sud...

Had a dream this night concerning dance, and women. The strongest thing was my ex girlfriend, her hair was cut short, and now in thick braids. She looked good. The setting was a large theatre. I was a dancer, just having performed and now sitting in the audience. The girl I was with wanted to change seats, to get closer. We crossed down the audience steps and over (stage right), to the middle section in front. I was following her for some reason, and was nervous about my ex seeing me. Then it was time for audience questions. My ex was called on, only her name was now Savage. Guess that goes to show how I feel.about women.    I'm tired of thinking about bitches. 

8-20   I'm resisting it. These are my thoughts post therapy, today. Resisting...resisting what? What am I resisting?    The whippings I got? The merciless beatings I received? Or...something else? ...   I kept saying no. No to what? perhaps, it was about who I really am. My anger. My rage. My aggression. My  masculinity ...   I wonder. Time will prove this notion either baseless conjecture, or a grounded verity.   8-21   Good. Mainly a lot of shouting this session, not much talking. The words escape me...I felt the trouble vibrations emanating from my core, as I dug my ass into the bed, shouting and screaming. My jaw let loose pain from the neck, shoulder, and pelvic areas. Then Doc pressed into my neck, and I let the sound out of my jaws. I could feel the dissonance dissolving almost. Upon exiting, it was almost as if I was struggling to recall, or remember some key face. My brow was furrowed.

A really good weekend. performed on Saturday, in my first dance performance ever! Can't believe I got through it, wasn't even nervous either. Went to sleep satisfied.   Then Atlantic City, on Sunday. Fucking awesome. It is the Vegas of the east coast, mini style. I went with one of my  chicas . Firstly our coach arrived at the nicest bus station I've been to, inside Bally's, a casino. They gave a $25 promotional rebate, which I used later to win some real money ($15).   We stayed at the Tropicana, which was outstanding. Reminded me of the cruise last year, everything was close by, convenient. It was linked to the Boardwalk, and a mini mall known as The Quarter. The beach was also immediately there, however didn't get to enjoy it much. As soon as we checked in, I dove on her, then we ate a nice Cuban dinner. We came back, I pulled her to me again. I need a woman that can take that kind of heat. And I don't know if its her. Afterward, I j...

There wasn't a lot of talking this go round. I arrived and immediately wanted to shout. I told the Doctor that this was my primary impulse, versus talking. He told me to go for it, as we can always talk. I did. Requesting permission to do as I feel is a fault of mine, but one that seems to be lessening as time goes on.   Then the screaming started. It kept coming. I opened my mouth wider in an attempt to let more sound out. The intensity of the acoustic propulsion caused me to nearly choke a few times. There's a lot of anger in me, right now most tangible around the mouth area.   It stopped. He did the eye check, aka sanity test. Am I in contact with myself? My eyes are starting to work in concert, and he states that to be an encouraging sign of progress.   The week of the 28th, he's out, so I told him why not do two sessions next week. He agreed to it on the next day. Also, the knot at the lower left of my neck is loosening, I feel some of the s...

Simply amazing. Gorgeous.   When this universe works, and it works correctly--it works  fast .   Just received a message on  okc  from a woman, who by all measures, prima facie at least, fits what I have been looking for--in merely 24 hours of putting forth the intention!   This is incredible. Incredible, and stupendous. The only concern is--now that the opportunity has revealed itself, what do I do with it ? Can't let it slip. Just want to be strong in my response.

I arrived at the appointed location, on time and ready for the session. The Doc was late in coming though, one of his clients ran him over about 10 minutes, which was fine because I had the time. She was a decent looking blonde as well. I got in, paid him a good amount, which he was pleased at, then laid down and began to shout. The sound kept coming, rolling in waves. There wasn't much talking in this session at all. I felt myself losing it this time more than any other time. Something is breaking. I asked Doc at the end, if I should eat anything after? He didn't answer, but instead queried me as to why I would pose that question. I responded that I thought it might have something to do with feeling more, and he lightly wondered if I was suggesting that there was some sort of connection between feeling, and food, to which I replied: "well, I am a fat guy". He chuckled. I then sat up, and walked through the door.

I must be confused...Candi's name is on my lips, but all I can see in my mind's eye is Alicia. That might be because she is more recent, but its also probably because I did a lot more with her, went to a lot more places. She was bad for me in the larger scheme, but that doesn't stop me from missing her. Was looking through some of the pictures I have of her...The heart has its own reasons. In other news, I reached 220lbs! Down from 240...took about 3 months, and this weigh-in was after a mid-day run, but I still made it. 1/3rd of the way there...gonna keep going. Diet is where I really need to remain consistent. The keys are to eat more (clean) bread, as it allows me to fast here and there,  keep the protein intake clean and organic, and lastly, try not to eat those huge meals, even coming after dance class. I can do this...