clear vision - clear results

I'm getting better, slowly. the work consists mainly of uncovering blocks, and changing my mental attitude, specifically when it comes to money, but also in other areas, such women, and guilt. I have definitely improved in these areas, the second chakra stuff. there's actually a financial plan in place now, which helps me greatly to manage it. I've also been palming every day for the past month, just looking to get my eyesight back, and am finally taking the physical actions toward that. the next area to examine would be my work life, get that sorted out, as well as my living arrangements as well. I gave my fifth speech at Toastmasters, that was fun. the crowd loved it. that's about it for today's installment. please come back next time, when we will (likely) have a breakthrough.

I think of my family, every once in awhile. I am currently listening to Road to Hanna, by Shadowfax. sometimes I get like this: wistful. I wonder what they are up to, how their lives are going. nostalgia. Jessica, is managing her baby, trying to build her career. she is 25 now. Sabrina has moved to Rochester, and is in a medical assistant program. I'm proud of her for getting out of that house, up there in Oswego. Donald is back in school, after being discharged from the Army, trying to build his life. I wonder when I will see them again. then I remember the tasks I must complete, the work that has to be done. improvements must be made. electronic communication (phone, email) won't cut it, only face to face. I am looking forward to the day we reunite. they are too far to whisper.

Where is the solution? As of late I have taken to reading blogs in that special interest area of the Web known as "the manosphere". I went there in search of more answers, more detailed information, as to why, or even alternate views of women and why they are the way they are. This place [ZM] is for the "how", imperative knowledge. From there, I received a lot of explication, yet no solution. I learned about the war bride concept, that men & women love differently and have different expectations for love (men love as an ideal, women love opportunistically, if one can even call that love), and that a man can never let down in his game. I knew that last fact already, from experience, but reading stories from guys out there only reiterated that reality. The past few months, I have consistently been wondering about women, pondering them, about how animal like they are, the claws beneath the velvet glove, how united they are with their instincts. I supp...

Today at work, two coworkers were talking about the difference between family and friends, how family is more judgmental, while friends, real friends, were more "ride or die" than family could ever be, they also spoke of familial obligations how when they ask for things, you nearly always have to ti give. it was interesting listening. Might even be true.

My stated goal was to build a social circle. If these people are for me, yet I still turn away, then that's on me. What other way to look at it? I always do this: let people, even those I like or who like me, float away. I have to fight, all my past bullshit. Against life, I have the allowed the hits to knock me out too many times. It is time to strike a few blows back. I only hope that the relationship is not strained.

just a quick update on my life. I have a new position and am no longer at Unisys (Dell). now, I am at Credit Suisse, making more money, with steady hours. it is good, but I also know it is not my last stop. what I really want to get into was this past weekend, actually this whole last week. been having tons of fun. saw the NBA Finals, Game 6+7, which were incredible. saw Man of Steel (the new Superman), which had great action but was lacking in that wholesome Superman flavor. went to TropFest (http://tropfest.com/), and yesterday, I was rolling around in the Bronx Zoo! there were some amazing short stories at TropFest, but the Zoo was by far the highlight of this weekend. I saw leopards, penguins, bears!, many different types of birds (from golden eagles to vultures to flamingos), baboons, and tons of other stuff. there was even a red panda, and the reptile exhibit was awesome too. the lemurs were probably my favorite observed animal overall. other than the food prices being ja...

I am starting to think, no, believe...that this is not who I really am.

5/28 7:32pm Need some time, to figure out what its all about. Everyone is lying, money is not real. however, it has a super reality in civilized world. I am still, as of yet, divorced somewhat from these notions of value. What of family? Did I truly abandon them, because they could not provide value in return? Did I adjourn my duties, as the strongest, the oldest, the first born? Mandated effects...how we are supposed to feel. There is a yawning gap, growing wider on the day between my social persona, and who I perceive myself to be underneath. Most cannot tell the difference, if the d actions and words remain the same, but then, in silence, most can. Reflexive response is my enemy. My conditioned moods are increasingly becoming ego dystonic...

Had dream I was in a church, filled with darkness. The atmosphere was tinged with fear, saturated with mystery... On the second floor, I saw a path through a corridor, also filled with darkness, but of a deeper kind than the other parts of the church. There was a light at the end of the corridor, and a black wraith (phantom?), leading me there, pointing the way...

While on the job yesterday, I had the occasion to visit One Police Plaza, basically the heart or nerve center of the NYPD here in NYC. And, it was fucking awesome. First off, the only building I've seen with more security is the United Nations. The UN building had 5 layers, this place had 4. Secondly, its amazing how it ties into my current exploration of Nietzche, or even when I was younger, learning about the Kshatriyas. In his books he talks about the warrior class, who are simple, direct, strong, noble. That fit most of these guys to a T. I've never been in a place with that much organized aggression, that much testosterone. It almost felt like a second home, only I still have some of the sickness in me. However, they paid me respect, as a technician, and for the fact I'm carrying muscle. There's pride here. Next part was really interesting. The work was a video card swap, nothing too challenging, but it was in the RTCC (Real Time Crime Center).Being there was e...

Crazy night...put a lot together in my head. (night of 5/10) The Indian bitch texted me, she was at a bar in Gramercy. I'll call her B. As I was finishing up with a client not too far away, I decided to drop by. Upon arrival, I find she's rolling heavy, with at least 10-12 teachers. She is a teacher btw. She introduces me, I sit, then shortly we move to another bar, one that has karaoke. Its someones birthday, so shots are on somebody else. I drink one, then down some beer. Suddenly karaoke becomes a good idea, and I volunteer. I sang about being in a desert on a horse with no name. Fucked it up pretty badly, but they loved me. It was my first time.  The one black chick with the double puff hair was kinda vocal with me, I would've talked to her sans B, no question. The attraction for B was nonexistent. At one point I had my arm around her, and it just didn't seem right to my eyes, like she did not fit with me. More people kept coming, big group. I chill for a little...

My god is a god of vengeance. My god, is a god of war. I asked for vision, and I got it. Why does the world seemingly conspire to keep me poor? Humbled. What about pride? Those folks who denounce entitlements. Nothing is wrong with entitlements provided that you are committed. Is it the corporate interests? The endless marketing, targeting my very soul down to the cell, striking at the core of my biological being? Who is practicing moral virtue? Who among us, really keeps the faith? I look around and all I see are animals, squabbling for every drop of conquest they can get. Where does my path lie? Are nobility, virtues, just untruth, mere illusion? Is it a way to maintain the hidden hegemony of those who would benefit from us? I am confused. Success is everywhere, opportunity is woven into the very threads of our day, yet do I turn a blind eye toward it, instead, looking upon the pursuit of ideals I suppose were never even intended to strengthen me in the first pla...

Last night, I had many visions. Sleeping for 11 hours, I suppose one ought to. The one that sticks out strongest to my mind is the one with the little girl. There was a man who was in care of her, then he entrusted her to me. I held her by the hands & was swinging her around the place, it was a casino or entertainment venue of some sort. There was so much color, so many vibrant colors, the whole scene was alive. we had so much laughter, it was amazing. then I woke up. There were others, for it was a night that I made the attempt to relax my neck muscles. That is the one that stands out, for reasons I know.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v= rkY_zTKzPCY&feature=related I discovered what had been bothering me about money, for so long. I did not want to become slave to it. On some level I recognized that nearly all people are captive, rich as well as poor. But to someone like me, who loves freedom, it was too much to bear. So I turned a blind eye to it, as long as I could. Somewhere along the line it seems I confused freedom from finances with financial freedom. Or perhaps I knew all along & did not care to make the correction, which is worse. I saw how it dominated my mother, with her primitive, conniving mind. I desired not to end up like that. All of this made me seek out jazz again, specifically: John Coltrane. His music is testimony...testimony to our condition.

Clocking in another outing...had a good time last night, saw a lot of weird shit too. I have a friend who has not been out in awhile, and combined with his job + wife & kid, I could see it was wearing him down slightly. We went out to the East Village to have a couple of drinks, just shooting the air, catching up, etc. After the buzz set in, I strode up to a pair of women. I was gonna let em dance on me. I look at the first woman, she points behind me to the other girl. I look at her, and she says to me "that's my mom". I say back: "let's make this a family thing". They laugh. It really was her mother. Then we roll out. We go to McDonalds, and that place was depressing. A couple sits down next to us, from Long Island. The guy let slip that he was drunk (clearly), and that he had taken a couple of Xanax w/Captain Morgan. oh. He then gave us his version of the straight line test, and as soon as he took one step, I yelled out "fail". Funny. Anyw...

I like my life. Its been how long since I was able to say that, but I do. I'm happy. Money is coming in and my vision is becoming clearer by the day. I have the job I want. I'm a Dell field technician, and I get to go to different places, meet different folks, see new things. That's what life is about. My women, I have joy for them. They are unique, individual to themselves, all lead by me. Life is good. Other thoughts: meaning of shapeshifting Nietzsche, strong free happy action Occult masters, Simon the Magus

What's a friend? Someone who likes you, being around you, for you. Yesterday Sweets made a comment that stung me a bit, saying something to the effect "if you have any friends, you can introduce me to them" That's originally why I got into the game! I still have not accomplished this, for whatever bullshit reasons. I have so much else on my plate at current, especially the vision. Can I fit this too? I have to try. In a few months, this can happen too. The Infinite is there for me. Opportunity is everywhere. I now see the benefits of true spirituality, of believing in a higher power, and Voltaires quote "if God not exist, it would be necessary to invent him"..who wants to believe that the day to day torpor is all that's in store for us? Our father, the real father, has made available more for us, but we must not reject what's given. In the past few months, I put out the intention, and received my response, a few times actually. So, the potential...

So last night I brought over this one girl who I had been speaking to for awhile. I knew she was feeling me, deeply, but last time she came over she was on the flow. Tonight she was not. She drove down in her brand new car, '13 Civic. We caught up on things, then the lights went off. And it was good. This was the type of sex I had been waiting for. It was just natural, can't really explain it. Being brought up in the Caribbean culture, she has good hip movements and so on, but its more than that. Its her personality, she is submissive, in a womanly way & I like that. Its unlike any of the others I am talking to. During fingerplay, I did scratch her vaginally (uncut index finger), there was blood on the sheets, but she didn't sweat it. My fuckup. Anyway, I made sure she got hers, even gave her the kiss down below (which I rarely do), now she's on the team and I feel damn relaxed about things. You know, life is good, and it only gets better...

So, I just sent this broad back home, didn't fuck or anything like that. We watched a movie, had some laughs. After, I start ramping up the tension. I go for her bra, then she put the brakes on. It was our 4th meet, I had an epiphany recently that I should be moving things faster with these chicks, regardless if I like their personality (girls I click with I tend to be more lax on). After she stops me, she says: "There's something I haven't told you" "Ok go ahead, I'm listening."-while I'm kissing all over her neck&breasts She laughs. "No, its for real, its something serious. A serious problem" As she continues, I start to understand. I make an inquiry as to the nature of her problem, and ask her if it can be solved. She says no, it is permanent. She then opens her lips to tell me what the issue is. I close them with my finger. She almost starts crying. I am just silent, holding her head for a bit. We get out of bed, and go t...

Again, I escaped with my future still intact, whatever that is to be. Was talking to Candi today, and it turns out she was pregnant, has been for 3 months. It was my birthday rendezvous that caused this. She thought it was a girl, but none of that matters, for it is gone. She had a miscarriage. I felt a tangent sadness, and a sense of lost possibility, as to what my potential daughter (or son) would've been like. But I'm not ready to be a father, even though I would've owned up & accepted the care of her (or him). I still have a lot of life to live. Chance seems to be in my favor...only fitting that this be St. Patricks day.

Pay attention and the world will show you what you need to know. In a very short time, as many as five females have told me I keep stuff too close to the vest, that they feel I'm holding back, or evading giving info about myself. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but two of them I didn't even meet in person (one was over the phone, other was online only)! The vibe of restraint must be very strong. I'm going to try and open myself up more. I have nothing to hide, and fuck that whole "be a mystery" advice. I like who I am, who I am becoming. But, normally, that's how it happens. In a short period of time, sometimes you'll notice different people may end up telling you what amounts to the same advice. This is the universe prodding you to develop, to move to the next level. If you hear it three times or more, take heed. Of course, whether or not you act on it, is up to you. As far as the game goes, I'm going to keep my heart wrapped for my family, ...

Through my life, it seems as if the women I have had the most feeling for have also given me the most pain. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but I think its done now--I dodged another bullet. Last Thursday(28th), I was at the bar with a woman I was talking to, 2nd date. She is the one I had many phone conversations with, the one with whom I could feel her need. Anyway, we were drinking then got to making out. It didn't go anywhere. I was drunk, but still, my niceness may have saved me. She was likely expecting me to fuck her. I did not, she feels rejected, etc. etc, so that's that. By chance only, I listened to this show , and realized, that guy was exactly me! My ex, she had a child, and I stumbled in there, wearing the game as a mask, and her neediness was great, so the sucker in me came out. I wanted to save her from her dejected reality. but it dragged me down, and every time I tried to leave, the guilt brought me right back in, even very recently. ...

*this occurred from 2/16-2/20, a total of 7 dates. the next 3 are in a later blog post. I'm in the process of getting my game flowing again, through online means this time. These are the dates I've had so far. Saturday: 2 dates 1st date: This was my first date from the site that I use. I chose Ethiopian restaurant, to try something different. Food wasn't half bad. So, the girl arrives, and she is literally beautiful, under the restaurant lights. I got more comfortable as date went on though. She is from Portland, OR, going to attend FIT and a graduate from School of Performing Arts (an actress basically). This girl, she had her defenses up though so I'm not quite sure how to come at her. I do know she doesn't have much sexual experience, just by how she talked about past men in her life. She goes on 2-3 dates a week, so I'm not sure if this is a novelty thing, but I would like to make love to her. If anyone knows how to crack these actress types, please le...

about a week ago, I began catching wind from my manager that my time was going to be reduced in my current position. immediately, I started to move, mentally move that is. I put out an intention for a smooth transition into my next role, and kept it up for a couple of days. I didn't know where I would end up but I knew it would happen. suddenly, I get correspondence from a large company looking for a PC Field Tech to handle Dell merchandise in Manhattan & Brooklyn. I call them, do the phone interview (proving my tech skills), and I'm in. completed all the required certs across Dell's many many product lines, and I'll be starting sometime next week. that's not all. my current firm wants to keep me on anyway, past regular business hours, as they have no one who can do the work I do. in conclusion, instead of losing out on money, I ended up gaining both ways. not bad for some spot meditation work. the next thing is to push it even further...

so, a whole month has passed and I feel I'm starting to gain clarity in my life. I've been doing the eye-patch exercise and it [the left eye, my weak eye] feels much more mobile, even though the vision isn't back yet. but I'm working on it. probably the main cause of the distortion is my over-tense neck muscles, which also has relaxed considerably. I won't know for sure until its gone. my brother went into the Army, Jan. 29th. not sure how I feel about that overall, I just don't want anything to happen to him, but I think the lessons and training he will get from them will help greatly toward him deciding his overall path in life. it is hard to think that he will come back as a professionally trained killer in about 4 months time (mid-June). other than that, I'm just doing my thing. starting to get back into the game, I have about 4 girls #s from online,  going to work my leads there, and I'm starting to ramp up my ASP.NET training. web development ...

filmed by the wealthy. the first video is called Born Rich, and the interviewer is Jamie Johnson (one of the heirs to the Johnson & Johnson empire) interviewing trust-fund kids (Bloomberg, Trump, Whitney/Vanderbilt, et. al) and getting their perspective on life. the second one is called the One Percent (ode to Occupy Wall St.) and concentrates more on the social inequality from American capitalism. in this one he casts a wider range of interviews, from mega-millionaire CEOs to poor folk in rural areas.