clear vision - clear results

2025 was a rough year. Rough, rough year. Though much didn't happen in terms of events, there were some long drawn out circumstances that I had to battle through. The major one, was my impending death. Toward fall, around September and past, I felt myself fading. I was losing my will to live. It wasn't a sudden thing, it had been building, or rather, degrading, into that since the start of the year. In a last ditch effort I went and got some more therapy. It helped, but not for awhile. Then, after my birthday, I felt the emotions brunt and full force, on November 11th. I was ready, ready to leave life. The entire night, that's where I was. I was ready to get my affairs in order, set up a trust, and all of that. I promised to sleep it off and see where I was in the morning. The feeling of despair minimized a great deal. I think that was me releasing some energy in the oral segment, because ever since then, I've had less of an inclination to overeat or even eat at all. Th...

In roughly a little more than a week from now, or ten days, I'll be returning to New York, to try and advance in my quest. This is the first time I can remember not feeling thrilled. I am a bit afraid actually. It's reached almost an existential dread at points. In past days there was merely the compulsion to go, the compulsion to see if I could recover my eyesight, that drove me forward.  This is the first time I'm not looking forward to it. Why is this? Not sure. The path feels much like isolation to some extent. It is said that there are two types of pain: the pain that hurts, and the pain that alters. It's more than likely I'll have to relive both, to get where I need to be. Whatever happens at the end of it, I won't be the same. But isn't that what I've always been reaching for?

The past few years, hell, since 2020 really, my energy has been depleted. Lately, the past few months, I've been waking up, asking for a reason why, to do anything. Most days, I feel as if nothing matters, that I don't simply care about anything. It all seems so pointless. A day or two ago, I realized I had no motivation to continue, even living perhaps. There was just nothing left. So, I asked myself, should I continue? Everywhere I turned, there was a wall. But somewhere, there was a faint voice, my own perhaps, agreeing with me that nothing matters, but move forward anyway. For the mere sake of it. Just because. It whispered back to me, just try this one thing, even though it might not matter, just to see if it could make a difference. I'll try to keep going from here. From at least March to September, I'll get at least 5 minutes of sun a day. Maybe from there, I'll chase the sun to the south equator, when the financial timing is right, but I can't keep livin...