Psychocybernetics

 Below I'll post the transcript of an internal conversation with myself. Asked me answers last night and they came. The key has always been within my grasp...

I realize that women kind of are what they are at this point and thinking about the past. Well, thinking about my life, you know. I go back to a book by Maxwell Maltz, called Psycho-Cybernetics. And in the book, he talks about how some people would change once they had the plastic surgery and some people would not. What was the reason why the people didn't change remained the same even though they looked drastically different? And he came up with the concept of an internal image of self-image and yeah, methods or techniques somehow to change that.  All the stuff I have learned over the years from great mentors like supreme and some other folks as well confirms that, in different aspects at least. I realize that I have not really shifted my internal image much. I've shifted it a bit, but that came over time. Life intentionally shifted it, circumstance. And I think the image that I have now by default when I don't meditate daily is that of basically a beaten down kid who is performing and behaving exactly as expected. The image I received and am acting on wasn't generated from my own volition.  You know, it was a very specific person to my past that let me to behave in this manner. And before that who was I? I must've been like disobedient, from their perspective. I was always actually curious, that somehow wasn't beaten out of me. But now I'm thinking you know. I really don't even know what I'm about. In some sense, and so people are just reacting to that. Women are what they are and people are what they are. They're reacting just to my vibe. 

And you know, and it says and I think about what passed.  You know, as a kid, everything that I did then. Played video games a lot as a kid. Some sports well sports I picked up on my own, but basketball kind of inherited that, and I was pushed into technology, which is where I remain. I likely always kept a good mind for training. You know that that was something I was exposed to as well. So it seems like you know, just regarding myself, not really sure.  Who I am or characteristics that I natively possess? Is character how one goes about things? I, I know some of my character that was revealed to me recently, as far as pushing a lot and then just saying, f*** it at the end, but I have to figure out a way past that as well. I had to figure out how to, you know, shift my internal image over. That's what I have to do. Find my baseline and then go from there. I can live that image, so that one day, I don't have to feel like everything's forced and that interacting with people isn't a chore. Like it's something within me that they can internally sense. And then they react in a certain way. Which results in negative outcomes for me? I don't really want negative outcomes for myself. I want positive ones. But the sickness is still strong as this point. I feel it in waves, internal waves.

The block comes so when it comes to interacting with people, from just being who I am, or who I want to be. I have to shift things around a bit. How to do that. But I realize if I keep dancing around it and being afraid. Nothing is going to change. It's just gonna remain the same results that have the same material conflicts that have had for the past 6-7 years. And its overall some fear of what? Of changing or you know, getting richer or achieving certain goals? Fear is a handbrake on life. Why am I afraid? I even think about my eyesight when I was being bought glasses. Am I just perpetuating that so that I keep that state? Teach a kid when he is young, and when he's older, he won't stray from it. Which could be why I'm not going all out on the recovery, and other things.  It's kind of true, it's kind of troubling or disconcerting that certain key goals that I've had, you know I put a lot of energy and money towards having them but I'm still not there. So I'll just keep moving on.