Running on a deficit of energy

The past few years, hell, since 2020 really, my energy has been depleted. Lately, the past few months, I've been waking up, asking for a reason why, to do anything. Most days, I feel as if nothing matters, that I don't simply care about anything. It all seems so pointless. A day or two ago, I realized I had no motivation to continue, even living perhaps. There was just nothing left. So, I asked myself, should I continue? Everywhere I turned, there was a wall. But somewhere, there was a faint voice, my own perhaps, agreeing with me that nothing matters, but move forward anyway. For the mere sake of it. Just because. It whispered back to me, just try this one thing, even though it might not matter, just to see if it could make a difference.

I'll try to keep going from here. From at least March to September, I'll get at least 5 minutes of sun a day. Maybe from there, I'll chase the sun to the south equator, when the financial timing is right, but I can't keep living this depleted life. For the past few months, I've had nothing in the tank. I've been taking more sick days from work than I've ever been. It's purgatory.

From all this internal depletion, and enervation, I realize how economical my life has been, in terms of relationships. Is my isolation a result of my philosophy? Or it simply enervation manifested in a dearth of social interaction? There are other dynamics involved as well, but that'll be for another time.

To get anything done, energy is required. My mistake was my philosophy: I believed that I should somehow, be able to generate it from within, simply through the sheer force of will-power. In certain instances, I was able to do that, but the time between forcing life with will-power, and regeneration, was a long one. Sometimes years. I have to get more in sync with these physical limitations that I have. Really it might not even be physical--more hormonal or biologically driven. In any event, this is my task. To prevent my batteries from getting too low. Maybe, eventually, I'd like to experience what it'd be like to have an abundance of energy. But a lot of work elsewhere is required before I can get to that stage.