Close to Home--Alicia
freedom
"an opportunity seized is an opportunity earned."
Candi said, quite presciently I might add, that all I have are ex-girlfriends. the curse of a player I guess. I've been reflecting on what is it that supreme got me into, whether or not ignorance is truly bliss. look how many men don't know much about the game, but are seemingly happy?
then again:
are they really happy? are they free? after more reflection, I'd rather know just what it is I find myself embroiled into. on the other side, knowledge does bring pain, but that is preferable to the soma dispensed en masse.
I say that to mention this: my relationship with Alicia is at an end, after a year of good times. when I say end, I mean the "boyfriend/girlfriend" stuff. we've been talking of Phoenix recently, where I believe my life will lead me, and that future of us being apart got to her. things broke down. truthfully I wasn't happy either, hadn't been for awhile there, and that definitely contributed as another factor.
how did this happen?
according to the method, a scene emotionalized, and accepted by the subconscious mind immediately begins to take form, or be made manifest, on the screen of space.
the very night before everything ends, I had a dream showing me what I had been intending every time negative thoughts about women (Alicia) surfaced, which is to build into myself the mental imagery of being a player, with a team of four, that way my imagination defaults there.
on Sunday, 3/23, we met up, got some eats, then she comes over to my place. and it breaks off. what it came down to was two separate paths. she is trying to make a career in entertainment (producing plays), which requires a massive time investment and an indefinite stay in New York, while my dream is to live in Phoenix.
anyway, regarding Alicia, all I have are good memories of her.
the scene Sunday evening was crazy. she cried. hell I cried too. I actually care for the young one. it is amazing to see her progress over the past year. she has made so many strides, and seeing that I had a direct hand in that is amazing. from exposing her to different places in New York (and the world!), to giving her a higher line of thinking, to having her quit smoking. she is on a better path!
as of now, where are we?
well, apparently she still loves me so she agreed to still see me. I'm not sure how long it'll last, but it doesn't matter. I'm free.
this will be my last monogamous relationship for a long time to come. let's get into the game for real now, and see what I can do. I'm not going to go balls out immediately, as I am still learning how to dance, plus I want to take a break for a week or so and recharge. but the opportunity is there. that's all I wanted. that's all I asked for. I'm truly happy with that.
the question is now, can I handle the freedom? or will I squander this opportunity? after all, this is what I wanted, deep down..above all, I earned this. but still...for her, and for Candi.
Love you.
"an opportunity seized is an opportunity earned."
Candi said, quite presciently I might add, that all I have are ex-girlfriends. the curse of a player I guess. I've been reflecting on what is it that supreme got me into, whether or not ignorance is truly bliss. look how many men don't know much about the game, but are seemingly happy?
then again:
are they really happy? are they free? after more reflection, I'd rather know just what it is I find myself embroiled into. on the other side, knowledge does bring pain, but that is preferable to the soma dispensed en masse.
I say that to mention this: my relationship with Alicia is at an end, after a year of good times. when I say end, I mean the "boyfriend/girlfriend" stuff. we've been talking of Phoenix recently, where I believe my life will lead me, and that future of us being apart got to her. things broke down. truthfully I wasn't happy either, hadn't been for awhile there, and that definitely contributed as another factor.
how did this happen?
according to the method, a scene emotionalized, and accepted by the subconscious mind immediately begins to take form, or be made manifest, on the screen of space.
the very night before everything ends, I had a dream showing me what I had been intending every time negative thoughts about women (Alicia) surfaced, which is to build into myself the mental imagery of being a player, with a team of four, that way my imagination defaults there.
on Sunday, 3/23, we met up, got some eats, then she comes over to my place. and it breaks off. what it came down to was two separate paths. she is trying to make a career in entertainment (producing plays), which requires a massive time investment and an indefinite stay in New York, while my dream is to live in Phoenix.
anyway, regarding Alicia, all I have are good memories of her.
- the time we went to the Bronx Zoo.
- all the great tasting food we ate. the first few dates. Sylvia's Soul Food. Qi Thai food.
- New Years, and Thanksgiving. Valentines was also fun...the salsa dancing. my first time out dancing with a woman.
- our vacation cruise to Cozumel, Mexico, of course. Miami, the hotel there.
- the music our bodies made together...more like rap/hip-hop, to be honest. but still melodic.
- when we did it in Prospect Park. the picnic we had there. then the 70s retro hotel.
- her standing against the CVS, how quickly she moved to see me when she was there. this is my cardinal memory of her.
the scene Sunday evening was crazy. she cried. hell I cried too. I actually care for the young one. it is amazing to see her progress over the past year. she has made so many strides, and seeing that I had a direct hand in that is amazing. from exposing her to different places in New York (and the world!), to giving her a higher line of thinking, to having her quit smoking. she is on a better path!
as of now, where are we?
well, apparently she still loves me so she agreed to still see me. I'm not sure how long it'll last, but it doesn't matter. I'm free.
this will be my last monogamous relationship for a long time to come. let's get into the game for real now, and see what I can do. I'm not going to go balls out immediately, as I am still learning how to dance, plus I want to take a break for a week or so and recharge. but the opportunity is there. that's all I wanted. that's all I asked for. I'm truly happy with that.
the question is now, can I handle the freedom? or will I squander this opportunity? after all, this is what I wanted, deep down..above all, I earned this. but still...for her, and for Candi.
Love you.
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