Therapy 5-29

Today, was a day for talking. I got to query the doctor on a few issues, topics that have been in my mind lately. 

The first was work related, we talked about certain things, most visibly how I found it hard to distinguish true from false in terms of appearances+motivations, even behaviors. But he gave an alternative view, his being formed  from age[experience], and that can hardly be ignored. 

Second thing was about friends, and he asked why I didn't have any. At base, it is what I suspected, people who just like being around each other. He said it is about contact between the two individuals, not about spending massive amounts of time around others, or anything like that. 

He also mentioned a key thing, myself possibly doing things that could be construed as off-putting to others. Number one thing being leaving early, or keeping others at a distance. It seems, according to the beer-commercial model of being social, that if you're not always in a huge crowd, you're not being social. But that's bullshit. He spoke of the two people in a gathering, any gathering, who somehow found their way to one another, and were able to have a simple conversation.  I like that, or even speaking up among those w/ similar interests. The duration is also of no consequence, sometimes people can go months or even years without speaking, then resume as if no time had passed! When he said that it reminded me of a comment Candi once made, about how it felt like no time had passed since we last saw each other, when it was really nearly a year since we were last in contact (2011-2012). Her breasts got a lot bigger in that span. 

The 3rd thing was the most recent topic, the late Eliot Rodgers. Young kid, my brother's age. He gunned down six people, mainly from envy & years of pent-up sexual frustration, as far as I could see. Its said it only takes one year of no sexual contact to send a person on the path of loopiness...and he spent his most formative teenage years in isolation, 10 of them, from women & friends both. Doc thought it was a tragedy that he took innocent peoples lives, and said he should've shot himself if it came down to that vs. "innocents". The lesser of two evils. I thought it was a tragedy how he was ignored for so long, or just plain not treated properly, even though he was seeing a psych, who clearly wasn't equipped to deal with the level of sickness Eliot had. I read his manifesto, or skimmed through some of the 140 page long document. Inside, I could see him detailing his failures with women and society in general. Not only that, but his descent into murderous madness, beginning with an account of his childhood (the pure time as he refers to it). His triumphs, his struggles. He tried to drag himself out of the pit, but in the end, he was claimed by it. 

Sad. And I mean that in the true sense, not in the semi-sardonic way oft used nowadays. A lot to think about.