Therapy 10-20, 21, 22

10-20,21

First one was the first time I had seen the doc since late 2014, nearly 4 years.  He has gotten thinner. We talked about a lot. His kids are 8, a son and 11, a daughter, now.

I told him of my exit from New York in 2015,  South Carolina then my move to Phoenix. My current relationships were covered also, male friendships too, on whether I feel deprived at a dearth of them.

Surprisingly,  we spent the most time talking about weight, and the best way to lose it.  He said that he recommends to everyone to lose only 0.5lb per week. The reason for this is because when you lose weight, you inevitably feel more. Then he brought up sustainability as a key factor, maybe the key factor, which I hadn't considered. The goal is to drop it and keep it off, not have a resurgence just a year down the line. Some tips were given to have a breakfast as well as a more meaty lunch,  including protein, since I've been eating oatmeal or apple sauce whenever I have eaten lunch. This means I will have to slow it down some...but that's fine, although I must admit impatience in wanting to be rid of the fat. But I'm in it to win it, for good this time. 

Just had one session on the 21st. It was mainly me letting out screams, tension, and saying no over and over. All of that is still stored within...

10-22

Well this was an interesting session.

When I arrived I told the doc I did not want him to feel like I was using him to healthy, but that I just wanted to get to work. He said he wouldn't, and that perhaps my feeling that way was an indicator of mistrust.

I covered my eyes throughout much of the session and felt major hesitance at looking at him, even while he implored me to look and see for myself that he wouldn't be angry or disappointed with me.

But I could not look. My hands covered my eyes and remained that way for a majority of the time there. I then started calling him a liar and said that he did not really care about people, that he was just pretending. It was all financial. And on it went. I said that I had failed, that I was supposed to be fixed by now. I now see this was needless exorbitant mental pressure I was putting on myself.

At the end of the session he refunded me about $100 of the grand and said it was fair. Now I begin to see that maybe he really is a fair person after all. That element of his personality I'd never grasped or understood before. I apologized for being mean to him and he said that it was important that I feel like his office be a place where I be real. I hugged him and then left. The only thing on my mind is returning.

Post-session a few days, I now have the strong sense that there is something lurking behind my desire not to see, a willful obstinacy to turn away from some feared image. If I can get past this, I really do feel I could break this whole thing wide open and get better quickly. The only conundrum now is how to return to New York while keeping a place in Phoenix.  I'm committed to seeing this through all of the way.