clear vision - clear results

Today, was a day for talking. I got to query the doctor on a few issues, topics that have been in my mind lately.   The first was work related, we talked about certain things, most visibly how I found it hard to distinguish true from false in terms of  appearances+motivations , even behaviors. But he gave an alternative view, his being formed  from age[experience], and that can hardly be ignored.   Second thing was about friends, and he asked why I didn't have any. At base, it is what I suspected, people who just like being around each other. He said it is about contact between the two individuals, not about spending massive amounts of time around others, or anything like that.   He also mentioned a key thing, myself possibly doing things that could be construed as off-putting to others. Number one thing being leaving early, or keeping others at a distance. It seems, according to the beer-commercial model of being social, that if you're...

Today I learned some new facts, both personal and impersonal. The Doc went on vacation to Orlando, and was telling of his exploits there. There's an area called Discovery Cove, and there people are able to snorkel and scuba-dive. He saw barracudas, dolphins, all kinds of tropical fish, and even swam close to sharks, although they were held behind glass walls & netting. His account of how the barracuda felt his fear was telling, proves that aquatic animals detect our emotions too.   Then I started to breathe, and the screams came. My legs cramped. I kicked my legs. I pounded the bed. The beginnings of anger, the real anger, seated deep in the body. Then it stopped. I was motionless. I then learned my eyes, at least the  esotropic  left eye, has regressed since the last series of sessions. At least it is improving again. And I am more in touch this time as well.

Went to the gym today, twice, lifted first then got my sprints in the second time. Little did I know that it would be a record breaking evening, when all was said and done  .  I ran an  8 minute mile!  Astounding. I've never done that. Keep in mind I'm weighing in at 240 at present, a very healthy 240, but still.   Great stuff.

Today I arrived and just sat, looking away at first. Really wasn't in the mood to talk. Forced out a few words, learned that I have  esotropia  in my left eye. This is a condition of the eye where it turns inward. Did some exercises, I was almost able to look at him directly with both eyes aligned. Also learned that the Docs allergies appear randomly. Glad I don't have those. After, I lay down to scream & shout. There was an guttural sound coming from my belly...wonder what it was.

To the problem of my game. I've figured it out. Truly, I never belonged there, at that capacity at least.    The women who I have been with, the ones that have given me pain,  I shouldn't  have been there in the first place . The entire time, I was working on borrowed energy, and as it faded, so did they.    My own energy in the game must be developed further. Have to raise it up a bit. Then I will be able to connect with the right women.

This session started off with me not looking at the Doctor for five minutes, until I laid down. Then, I showed more mistrust I guess? Of being myself. After a bit of a verbal exchange, I began to let out the shouts, and screams. The back of my left leg cramped up, just above the knee. I stared angrily at Doc, then left.   After, I went to Dunkin Donuts, where I stared angrily at the stupid, nitpicking customers. Then I got on the train. Now to head home.

...is her. It always was.   She's still in my dreams.