clear vision - clear results

I had the appointment changed to Wednesday, for this week and next, and moved earlier. No matter. This is my mission.   I arrived, then started asking some questions. Were they of import? Somewhat. The answers I remember most related to the Doc stating that intelligence & emotional clarity were separate, and also him telling of his early days before having an  orgonomic  practice. He taught medical students, and worked in a hospital for a # of years, treating the medically ill. Getting into contact with myself was continually reiterated as being of prime importance here, which is why I think he was attempting to shift the focus away from potential mental gains to be realized from therapy (in other words, growing smarter as your emotions & by extension, your thoughts, become clearer).   We also talked of invention. Many people have ideas, but how many follow through, all the way to execution? Less than 1%. Doc stated his top two geniuses of a...

My feelings about today's session are mixed. Not to say ambivalent, just hard to distill into one or two words. I left feeling disoriented. I entered feeling active, if a tad pensive. At the beginning, first two minutes, I did as I always do: just let my eyes drift, relax a bit.   Then we spoke of work. There was an incident at my job yesterday which I described. Basically, someone who I used to have a good amount of esteem for, came out and said I messed up a client's Mac, when I never touched it. He asked me, I said no, then he said I did it anyway. It would have taken him all of two minutes to ascertain the true culprit, before pointing fingers. But he didn't do that. He asked, accused me, then checked and found out. I just thought it was low of him to do that, if you ask, and I say no, then take me at my word. I've been nothing but honest while there. As I found out after, that was me being emotional! In recounting my day, I was expressing myself. Who woul...

To share it with. This weekend, I achieved a great thing. I became a Microsoft Certified Professional. I also moved out of the infested room I was in, replete with insects, and other miscellaneous creatures.   Now that that's done, now what? It hit me on Sunday: is this what I'm working so hard for? To have an abundance of material options, but no one to share it with, even if its on casual terms? I want to be able to enjoy the downtime as well, to reap the fruits of my labors.   That's where women come in. A pang of loneliness....the work has to be leading somewhere.

unsettling dream.    Saw my mother, in a country field of wheat stalks, and she was asking for help, from anybody. Prior to this, there was a television that was turned off, and whoever I was with told me not to look at the image, but I did. I was irrevocably changed from that moment, seeing how hard she tried, asking huge monsters for help, the desperation, despondency and outright confusion she possessed. It hurt me to see that.

Went well enough, toward the end at least. But I did feel some pain.   Upon entering I laid down immediately, then relaxed enough to breathe. Next, the good Doctor prodded my neck and shoulders, both sides. Screams, shouts...sobbing. The sobbing ceased. The left eye is slightly better apparently, though still weak. Then I asked him if he enjoys his job, to my surprise he said yes. Then asked him about retirement, he said it'll be when he drops dead. That's my kind of talk. We then spoke of A.S. Neill and Summer Hill, the school where kids didn't have to go to class if they desired to play. My kind of place. If only eh?   On a side  side  note: think I'm allergic to cheap sugar. Will have to start thinking about seriously giving up my post therapy  Coolatta .

The girl was gorgeous, in that low-key, mental way I like.   However, when it comes to women...hell, its all about the body. And mine is a work in progress...dropped 17 since I first discovered my weight....but more work has to be done. More progress to be made.    Unfortunate ...   An analysis of her isn't necessary, after pondering it. While I did find her gorgeous, and mentally compatible-- in the end, she just wanted to get banged by some big muscle guy. Law of complements. So much for nice or good girls.   I keep wondering, How much longer must I wait before my form is in tow? Before I can be there again, be the one they physically desire.  Edit: I think I'll keep her # around for when I get lean, then give her another ring. Couldn't hurt.

This day I entered late. Was on the run from work, it cost me 15 minutes.   I sat down, queried the good Doctor as to how his day went. He parried and deflected: "I'm sure you didn't come here to talk about me." I asked a few questions about mistrust, he responded the same way, telling me that I have to see what's there. Apparently a healthy person has no mistrust.   He then told me to lie down, breathe. I lay down yet I did not breathe. I felt angry, from work and other things. I turned over, then he worked on my neck. More screams, more pain. This time it actually hurt a bit, the tension is extreme there.   Concluding, I told him that I envied those who cared, who were truly passionate about something. I told him that maybe I was the one who did not care. The Marines, and  Candi  are among the few things I've ever felt that way about.  Candi  is out, and the Marines? I'm too fucked in the head to go there. So here I am.