clear vision - clear results

This day I entered late. Was on the run from work, it cost me 15 minutes.   I sat down, queried the good Doctor as to how his day went. He parried and deflected: "I'm sure you didn't come here to talk about me." I asked a few questions about mistrust, he responded the same way, telling me that I have to see what's there. Apparently a healthy person has no mistrust.   He then told me to lie down, breathe. I lay down yet I did not breathe. I felt angry, from work and other things. I turned over, then he worked on my neck. More screams, more pain. This time it actually hurt a bit, the tension is extreme there.   Concluding, I told him that I envied those who cared, who were truly passionate about something. I told him that maybe I was the one who did not care. The Marines, and  Candi  are among the few things I've ever felt that way about.  Candi  is out, and the Marines? I'm too fucked in the head to go there. So here I am.

Happened upon some pictures of Alicia today, taken on our trip to Mexico. Looking through them...I realized how pretty she was. A healthy young girl, starting to learn about the world. Now I'm wistful. Images...memories...fragments of time.   I know it didn't work because our basic energy level wasn't the same. My aggression is still just not there. And I am saddened by this, because she, as well as Candi, represented that particular element of myself which has been lost to antiquity. Aggression. Women are available on all energy spectrums...but still...there's that yearning.    Damn.   Then I think of the game, how bad it would seem to have that certain feeling disappear. A bit of love? Or romantic feeling. What of if it were to be deadened? Am I now dead? If I do die, can I be resurrected?

What does a man really have that's permanent? Certainly not a woman. I still think about her. 5 years in Oct. What can I hold on to? Women...they are not ours, do not belong to us. But we need them so.

6:36. I did it!

I asked him, "does anybody really care?" or, if he cared for that matter. He said to pose it as a statement, instead of a question. I was unable. What I felt was the question all lonely souls ponder, the thing that sets their souls aflame...cold blue flame.   I didn't say much at the start, I was passive. Looked away. Laid down. Told him "I just don't have it today." then he pressed on my calves, and I screamed. He pressed on my neck. I screamed some more. He pressed down on my shoulders. I kept screaming. Maybe some of that vibration is dissolved now? No matter, there is more underneath.   More mistrust came out. Everyone wants to help it seems, for a price. Of course?   Genuine likability...where can I find it.

Today, was a day for talking. I got to query the doctor on a few issues, topics that have been in my mind lately.   The first was work related, we talked about certain things, most visibly how I found it hard to distinguish true from false in terms of  appearances+motivations , even behaviors. But he gave an alternative view, his being formed  from age[experience], and that can hardly be ignored.   Second thing was about friends, and he asked why I didn't have any. At base, it is what I suspected, people who just like being around each other. He said it is about contact between the two individuals, not about spending massive amounts of time around others, or anything like that.   He also mentioned a key thing, myself possibly doing things that could be construed as off-putting to others. Number one thing being leaving early, or keeping others at a distance. It seems, according to the beer-commercial model of being social, that if you're...

Today I learned some new facts, both personal and impersonal. The Doc went on vacation to Orlando, and was telling of his exploits there. There's an area called Discovery Cove, and there people are able to snorkel and scuba-dive. He saw barracudas, dolphins, all kinds of tropical fish, and even swam close to sharks, although they were held behind glass walls & netting. His account of how the barracuda felt his fear was telling, proves that aquatic animals detect our emotions too.   Then I started to breathe, and the screams came. My legs cramped. I kicked my legs. I pounded the bed. The beginnings of anger, the real anger, seated deep in the body. Then it stopped. I was motionless. I then learned my eyes, at least the  esotropic  left eye, has regressed since the last series of sessions. At least it is improving again. And I am more in touch this time as well.