clear vision - clear results

at certain points throughout the week I feel more and more restless. in the past few months it'd happen bi-weekly but now it recurs at least once weekly. I am bored. I enjoy video games and reading but its the summer and I should be out there, out there playing. yet, I'm still a fatboy and so cannot enjoin with others. or so I tell myself. I wonder just when is it I'll be able to participate fully fledged in the game I think so frequently about. as it were, other than that I'm doing well. goals are doing well. reducing debt, learning new facts, advancing my career skills. aside from financial and knowledge advancements, the balance with my social life is out of whack however every time I endeavor to think on it, that weight issue prevents me from cognitively proceeding further... the reality has yet to fully sink in that, at least at first, I'm going to have to work for pussy. damn it. in other news there're some big events going down geopolitically speaking...

Living in some very interesting times right now. Ever since President Trump started his campaign, earned the nomination and then won the Presidency, he's been subjected to a relentless barrage of attacks, from corporate elites, the media and Congress. and he's also dealt out plenty as well. its been one wild, strange and entertaining ride. and now, it seems the FBI is openly at war with him. his personal attorney's office got raided, superficially because they are looking for proof of "illegal" payments to a porn star. but the real reason is to bait Trump and get him to react rashly, which isn't going to happen. this signifies strongly that Trump is an independent actor whom most of establishment Congress does not want to see prosper, and that includes players on both sides of the aisle. not only that, but his presidency has showed just how "managed" the office really was. the vibe seems to have been that the President be controlled by his advisors, ...

I've been pondering over some of the processes of life, of achievement. it seems to me I've been missing the 2nd step, which is thinking tactically, or "how" to achieve things. for so long I've been relying on sheer willpower, whereas I'm starting to gather that brainpower would get me a lot further. if A is willpower and C is the end-goal, then I've been drawing over B for nearly everything which plagues me. this applies to many problems I've had. I've successfully used the pondering of problems to solve my inability to fast. next up is the weight problem, and how to become a pimp as well. willpower, is just the first step, and according to Theron Dumont, an emergency use of energy. it can't be relied on in the medium or long term, as a "sustained" store of action. jumping to the end state doesn't seem to be probable for more intricate or nuanced problems. the other part of this is as Joseph Murphy says: "you are ...

while walking on my way to the Suns game today, I had roughly an hour to really think about things. recently another mentor, well I won't say mentor exactly, but an advisor to the game for me passed last month, in February. unlike supreme though, he didn't go naturally. he committed suicide, at age 37. this man was in the prime of his life, owned his own dance studio, was successful, but seemingly saw no way out. or maybe he saw nothing else left for him to achieve? I don't understand it. but then again, I sort of do. I will never commit suicide, but with supreme's passing I truly realized that death is on its way for me. and its not just for me; its for everybody, but the concept of death holds much more tangibility when it is personalized. maybe he just wanted to speed up the process. my biological father is gone...never knew him. step-father, gone in 2003. my first step-father, passed in 2008. then supreme recently... sometimes I wonder why we fight? the en...

or, how I found out some places in PHX can make the rough neighborhoods back home look almost hospitable. seriously. I'm in the process of moving, to put it one way, and have to stay in a hotel for some time. being cost-conscious, as you are charged by the night, made me select one particularly cheap motel, aptly referring to itself as the "Payless Inn". that should've been my first clue, that attending lodging named after a affordable shoe chain meant I was in a world of hurt. but I didn't get it until I actually checked in. upon checking in, imagine my surprise to discover there were 3 lamps in the room, with only 1 light bulb between them. imagine my surprise to see the dried blood on the door, floor and on the carpets (at least, I hope that was blood). imagine my surprise to discover no TP and no towels in the room. I spent 5 days in this rat-trap, and walking around the neighborhood I found that the contagion was everywhere, indeed, endemic in the neigh...

I'm posting this three weeks after the event. Chris Arnett, also known as playersupreme, or "supreme", has died. It happened on October 1st. I didn't find out until October 12, almost 2 weeks later. I went to youtube to see if supreme had any comments on current events, and going through the comments on a video realized something was wrong. Then I saw what happened. Have recorded more of my thoughts in the audio show below. With this event now I truly understand that death comes for us all, and it is coming soon. Looking at my life more broadly, I yearn to blame the world for my life turning out this way. This world has done nothing truly beneficial for me, nothing except having killed all of my fathers. Stephen (my biological father). Donald Sr. Mike. and now supreme, who was a surrogate father to myself and so many other men. Being 30 years old now, I both find solace in that and feel some mysticism toward the whole concept. The usual questions--where is sup...

as I get older things in life do become clearer to me. the man I want to be, certain goals, society in general and the importance of focus. I write this because its starting to hit me, those halcyon days are gone, even though I'm not sure I ever really had them. didn't have much of a childhood. regardless I will stay focused on this next decade and do the best that I can. I'm starting to lose hair a bit. either its the age or I'm not getting enough zinc in my diet. maybe both. its just, just one of those things I guess.