clear vision - clear results

5/28 7:32pm Need some time, to figure out what its all about. Everyone is lying, money is not real. however, it has a super reality in civilized world. I am still, as of yet, divorced somewhat from these notions of value. What of family? Did I truly abandon them, because they could not provide value in return? Did I adjourn my duties, as the strongest, the oldest, the first born? Mandated effects...how we are supposed to feel. There is a yawning gap, growing wider on the day between my social persona, and who I perceive myself to be underneath. Most cannot tell the difference, if the d actions and words remain the same, but then, in silence, most can. Reflexive response is my enemy. My conditioned moods are increasingly becoming ego dystonic...

Had dream I was in a church, filled with darkness. The atmosphere was tinged with fear, saturated with mystery... On the second floor, I saw a path through a corridor, also filled with darkness, but of a deeper kind than the other parts of the church. There was a light at the end of the corridor, and a black wraith (phantom?), leading me there, pointing the way...

While on the job yesterday, I had the occasion to visit One Police Plaza, basically the heart or nerve center of the NYPD here in NYC. And, it was fucking awesome. First off, the only building I've seen with more security is the United Nations. The UN building had 5 layers, this place had 4. Secondly, its amazing how it ties into my current exploration of Nietzche, or even when I was younger, learning about the Kshatriyas. In his books he talks about the warrior class, who are simple, direct, strong, noble. That fit most of these guys to a T. I've never been in a place with that much organized aggression, that much testosterone. It almost felt like a second home, only I still have some of the sickness in me. However, they paid me respect, as a technician, and for the fact I'm carrying muscle. There's pride here. Next part was really interesting. The work was a video card swap, nothing too challenging, but it was in the RTCC (Real Time Crime Center).Being there was e...

Crazy night...put a lot together in my head. (night of 5/10) The Indian bitch texted me, she was at a bar in Gramercy. I'll call her B. As I was finishing up with a client not too far away, I decided to drop by. Upon arrival, I find she's rolling heavy, with at least 10-12 teachers. She is a teacher btw. She introduces me, I sit, then shortly we move to another bar, one that has karaoke. Its someones birthday, so shots are on somebody else. I drink one, then down some beer. Suddenly karaoke becomes a good idea, and I volunteer. I sang about being in a desert on a horse with no name. Fucked it up pretty badly, but they loved me. It was my first time.  The one black chick with the double puff hair was kinda vocal with me, I would've talked to her sans B, no question. The attraction for B was nonexistent. At one point I had my arm around her, and it just didn't seem right to my eyes, like she did not fit with me. More people kept coming, big group. I chill for a little...

My god is a god of vengeance. My god, is a god of war. I asked for vision, and I got it. Why does the world seemingly conspire to keep me poor? Humbled. What about pride? Those folks who denounce entitlements. Nothing is wrong with entitlements provided that you are committed. Is it the corporate interests? The endless marketing, targeting my very soul down to the cell, striking at the core of my biological being? Who is practicing moral virtue? Who among us, really keeps the faith? I look around and all I see are animals, squabbling for every drop of conquest they can get. Where does my path lie? Are nobility, virtues, just untruth, mere illusion? Is it a way to maintain the hidden hegemony of those who would benefit from us? I am confused. Success is everywhere, opportunity is woven into the very threads of our day, yet do I turn a blind eye toward it, instead, looking upon the pursuit of ideals I suppose were never even intended to strengthen me in the first pla...

Last night, I had many visions. Sleeping for 11 hours, I suppose one ought to. The one that sticks out strongest to my mind is the one with the little girl. There was a man who was in care of her, then he entrusted her to me. I held her by the hands & was swinging her around the place, it was a casino or entertainment venue of some sort. There was so much color, so many vibrant colors, the whole scene was alive. we had so much laughter, it was amazing. then I woke up. There were others, for it was a night that I made the attempt to relax my neck muscles. That is the one that stands out, for reasons I know.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v= rkY_zTKzPCY&feature=related I discovered what had been bothering me about money, for so long. I did not want to become slave to it. On some level I recognized that nearly all people are captive, rich as well as poor. But to someone like me, who loves freedom, it was too much to bear. So I turned a blind eye to it, as long as I could. Somewhere along the line it seems I confused freedom from finances with financial freedom. Or perhaps I knew all along & did not care to make the correction, which is worse. I saw how it dominated my mother, with her primitive, conniving mind. I desired not to end up like that. All of this made me seek out jazz again, specifically: John Coltrane. His music is testimony...testimony to our condition.