clear vision - clear results

My stated goal was to build a social circle. If these people are for me, yet I still turn away, then that's on me. What other way to look at it? I always do this: let people, even those I like or who like me, float away. I have to fight, all my past bullshit. Against life, I have the allowed the hits to knock me out too many times. It is time to strike a few blows back. I only hope that the relationship is not strained.

just a quick update on my life. I have a new position and am no longer at Unisys (Dell). now, I am at Credit Suisse, making more money, with steady hours. it is good, but I also know it is not my last stop. what I really want to get into was this past weekend, actually this whole last week. been having tons of fun. saw the NBA Finals, Game 6+7, which were incredible. saw Man of Steel (the new Superman), which had great action but was lacking in that wholesome Superman flavor. went to TropFest (http://tropfest.com/), and yesterday, I was rolling around in the Bronx Zoo! there were some amazing short stories at TropFest, but the Zoo was by far the highlight of this weekend. I saw leopards, penguins, bears!, many different types of birds (from golden eagles to vultures to flamingos), baboons, and tons of other stuff. there was even a red panda, and the reptile exhibit was awesome too. the lemurs were probably my favorite observed animal overall. other than the food prices being ja...

I am starting to think, no, believe...that this is not who I really am.

5/28 7:32pm Need some time, to figure out what its all about. Everyone is lying, money is not real. however, it has a super reality in civilized world. I am still, as of yet, divorced somewhat from these notions of value. What of family? Did I truly abandon them, because they could not provide value in return? Did I adjourn my duties, as the strongest, the oldest, the first born? Mandated effects...how we are supposed to feel. There is a yawning gap, growing wider on the day between my social persona, and who I perceive myself to be underneath. Most cannot tell the difference, if the d actions and words remain the same, but then, in silence, most can. Reflexive response is my enemy. My conditioned moods are increasingly becoming ego dystonic...

Had dream I was in a church, filled with darkness. The atmosphere was tinged with fear, saturated with mystery... On the second floor, I saw a path through a corridor, also filled with darkness, but of a deeper kind than the other parts of the church. There was a light at the end of the corridor, and a black wraith (phantom?), leading me there, pointing the way...

While on the job yesterday, I had the occasion to visit One Police Plaza, basically the heart or nerve center of the NYPD here in NYC. And, it was fucking awesome. First off, the only building I've seen with more security is the United Nations. The UN building had 5 layers, this place had 4. Secondly, its amazing how it ties into my current exploration of Nietzche, or even when I was younger, learning about the Kshatriyas. In his books he talks about the warrior class, who are simple, direct, strong, noble. That fit most of these guys to a T. I've never been in a place with that much organized aggression, that much testosterone. It almost felt like a second home, only I still have some of the sickness in me. However, they paid me respect, as a technician, and for the fact I'm carrying muscle. There's pride here. Next part was really interesting. The work was a video card swap, nothing too challenging, but it was in the RTCC (Real Time Crime Center).Being there was e...

Crazy night...put a lot together in my head. (night of 5/10) The Indian bitch texted me, she was at a bar in Gramercy. I'll call her B. As I was finishing up with a client not too far away, I decided to drop by. Upon arrival, I find she's rolling heavy, with at least 10-12 teachers. She is a teacher btw. She introduces me, I sit, then shortly we move to another bar, one that has karaoke. Its someones birthday, so shots are on somebody else. I drink one, then down some beer. Suddenly karaoke becomes a good idea, and I volunteer. I sang about being in a desert on a horse with no name. Fucked it up pretty badly, but they loved me. It was my first time.  The one black chick with the double puff hair was kinda vocal with me, I would've talked to her sans B, no question. The attraction for B was nonexistent. At one point I had my arm around her, and it just didn't seem right to my eyes, like she did not fit with me. More people kept coming, big group. I chill for a little...