clear vision - clear results

Well, some stuff broke through. Doc pressed on my right jaw, it hurt, then my chest reverberated. I think with me he has a wait/see approach.    We talked more about mistrust. He said perception is always prior to thinking. Then I told him of the comment I heard yesterday, which I was admonished not to over think. He lauded it for being accurate but, it didn't come from me. Then, I held my hands, forearms over my eyes a lot. I did yesterday as well. This world is so corrupt at times. I even said as much. Then I asked why I shut my eyes. He returned the query. I said I did not know. He related it to my earlier statement on seeing people and how base their motivations were. I said I did not know if the reason was within, or without. Then I told him he felt like he was 50 yards away.    Doc: "and is that a good thing, or a bad thing?"   Me: "I do not know"   Him: "phrased another way, do you shut your eyes to maintain distance from pe...

I'm trying to remember...Doc pressed down on my forehead, and some screams came out. He said I could ask him any question. I cannot at that time recall what I asked. But I let loose some of my anger at the world. The people I said, they are all tacit culprits, in their silence. They help create the problem then they have the nerve, the temerity, to act like they don't know why these sorts of insane events happen. They know fucking well why people take guns and just spray bullets. Nobody helped me.  I had to figure it out on my own. I beat my chest because it wouldn't stop spasming, then told Doc "see, I stopped it". He just nodded and mm-hmmed. I actually went to dance after, although I was stumbling and could barely walk. A passerby, woman, asked me if I was ok. I got to Canal and was going to depart to Queens, but figured I might as well get my dancing time in. The rest is chronicled in my dancer log(tm). What a night eh.

A lot of talking at the start. I entered with two things, a statement and a question. The question was in relation to women, whether or not I was even in the right mindset to be with one. I told of the dark foreboding I get when I look around at them, and then he said that at least I recognize this, but how correct could the thought be, if I don't even know the woman? He continually drives home the point that not all women are the same, the opposite of which I do believe, or are after money, but everything in my experience leads me to think otherwise.   He brought up his example of the woman who starts to like me, which leads me to think, automatically that she is trying to trap me. He said there's a potential alternative view to the situation, to her, but I don't want alternative viewpoints, I want the truth. Can I see what's directly in front me? Then he said I cannot arrive at the truth if I am locked into this one way of seeing. Repeatedly I asked him to c...

I related my dream of the soldiers, plus the sword & woman with black eyes. He interpreted it, quite simply I might add. Woman with black eyes=evil, demon. The sword capable of being wielded by man or beast is my fear of my anger, and the soldier with the great sword is my anger, my potential to do damage.   Then I covered my eyes. This world is so fucking ugly sometimes, actually most of the time. Have to see the beauty in the dark spots.   I pointed at him with my eyes closed, saying that he did not care, that nobody cared. So fuck  em . I don't care. But, as he said, I don't care is the opposite of fuck  em . Fuck  em , implies deep feeling.   Physically, he pressed on my back, calves & neck. I refused to kick, saying that I could not. I lay there, and did not wish to move. It was like my body was saying "No."   Coming back, its slightly strange. My neck, on the left side feels looser. As does my psyche. It ...

Today was an important session I feel, for reasons I'm unable to delineate just yet.   It was on the whole a conversational session, with plenty of give & take.    My mistrust was outlined once again, and I posed many questions concerning women. Chief among them was: if I have two impulses or desires from them: one to feel secure, and loved, and the other to run free, and wild, which to follow? His answer enumerated Freud's pleasure principle, which basically is to say, do what gives you the most pleasure, if you can stand it. A central qualification. My counterpoint here was to say that a backup is needed, as things inevitably can and most often, do fall apart.   Then he spoke of my tendency to  ab normalize  the female impulse to reach for comfort/stability in men. He said I have trouble accepting this from them, that I tend to cast a mistrustful eye whenever the subject of money is involved. And I should. Or should I? I want...

We humans live in an amazing world, an amazing and a sad world. I saw her last night. a facsimile of the one, the one woman who approached me all those years ago. when I first came to New York. that it happened within a day of me going on one meal diet is substantial to my eyes, it continues to amaze how fast the universe is in responding sometimes. The other thing I feel is, I'm heartsick over this woman. and I don't even know her. so much for my idealism being dead? I thought it had been killed off by New York City. whatever the case, some strong blows have definitely been dealt to it by social reality over these past years in my life. What do I want? I don't know. I want both. To have the security and love in a woman, but be able to run free, wild, simultaneously.

The indentation over my left brow smarts. Memories of being hit with the belt buckle return to me. If this is the cause, truly it is amazing in the fullest sense how the body stores injury over many years, even for a lifetime.     It started off jokingly today, then I grew silent and, the trouble began to emerge from my limbs. Achingly, as if needing the release that only full expression brings, negative or positive: my body yearned to shout, to hit, to kick. I held it back, long as I could, then I asked for help. The towel first, then him pressing down on my brow. At inception, the thought of asking for assistance infuriated me, however, it was either that, or explode, literally.    The tension there is still felt by me, I suppose. The only thing I know after today is that I have a lot of hurt in me, raw physical hurt, from the beatings of course, and, more importantly, that my back-to-back approach is working. I will continue.