clear vision - clear results

In roughly a little more than a week from now, or ten days, I'll be returning to New York, to try and advance in my quest. This is the first time I can remember not feeling thrilled. I am a bit afraid actually. It's reached almost an existential dread at points. In past days there was merely the compulsion to go, the compulsion to see if I could recover my eyesight, that drove me forward.  This is the first time I'm not looking forward to it. Why is this? Not sure. The path feels much like isolation to some extent. It is said that there are two types of pain: the pain that hurts, and the pain that alters. It's more than likely I'll have to relive both, to get where I need to be. Whatever happens at the end of it, I won't be the same. But isn't that what I've always been reaching for?

The past few years, hell, since 2020 really, my energy has been depleted. Lately, the past few months, I've been waking up, asking for a reason why, to do anything. Most days, I feel as if nothing matters, that I don't simply care about anything. It all seems so pointless. A day or two ago, I realized I had no motivation to continue, even living perhaps. There was just nothing left. So, I asked myself, should I continue? Everywhere I turned, there was a wall. But somewhere, there was a faint voice, my own perhaps, agreeing with me that nothing matters, but move forward anyway. For the mere sake of it. Just because. It whispered back to me, just try this one thing, even though it might not matter, just to see if it could make a difference. I'll try to keep going from here. From at least March to September, I'll get at least 5 minutes of sun a day. Maybe from there, I'll chase the sun to the south equator, when the financial timing is right, but I can't keep livin...

I tried this for one day, on Sep 3rd, and wow, the day after. I woke up feeling as if I'd touched the power cosmic! Since then I've been doing a bit of research on it, and from what I understand, there are a few things to note: It's much more advantageous than water fasting (which some refer to as wet fasting, didn't know that), up to 3x in fact It must be conducted carefully, because it actually is closer to starvation than water fasting could ever be It is fantastic at healing and restoring health Apparently in the 1950s and beyond, Russian doctors really got into it, as the Soviet govt was funding it (primarily as a means of prevention, to keep medical costs down), and as many as 82 doctoral thesis were defended on it from then until 1990. Amazing.  Further back than that though, some Russian doctors have a storied history of fasting, from the early-mid 1800s or so. There are some books I want to buy, particularly from the Russian doctor: Dr. Sergei Filonov, who appe...

I finally have my technique! Free at last, free at last, thank the Lord, I'm free at last. So, I put my mind over the past few days to find a technique that works for me. It hit me recently, that I waste, or use, a lot of my free time contemplating technical problems at work. But how much of my brainpower goes unused on my own personal problems! With those parameters in mind, I was sitting in the park on 96th and Madison, practicing yesterday, when it came to me.  If I: Find a way to keep my focus past 1-3 seconds Satisfy my mind's predilection for novelty. Current method is to count upwards from 1-30, with colored numbers inside of some shape, such as a hexagon, triangle or square, while attempting to read the letters or words on signs, vehicles, and buildings Keep pace with what I can already do, in terms of distance (no more than 30-40 feet) currently, extending as I go Remain still, in order that I may focus better And make a conscious effort to drop the squint while I'...

It's been actually a lot longer than that, counting all the unnecessary nonsense I went through as a kid, but that's the year when I started my self-improvement "journey". In reality, it's been a lot of dead ends, and stalled starts, but I'm finally moving ahead in a steady way. By this I mean the improving of my eyesight, and also certain other issues, that led me to spend, getting close to $100k at this point. But I don't care. I'm almost there. I figured out finally how to keep my energy high enough in order to boost the utility I gain from all of the sessions. The key, believe it or not, was Vitamin D3 . Since I've been taking that, nearly every day, from last December on, I've been making incredible progress. I spent a month and a half already in NYC doing 37 sessions, and I'll be back in 2 weeks to keep it going. I want this to be my summer, and I'll do what I have to, to get there.  In other events, I've been fasting like a m...

So, I've been back in New York for about 2 weeks now, and it's been a grind. At points, it has felt like my body was falling apart--specifically, my lower legs. I think that comes down to training issues. I'd been focusing too heavily on quads in my return to weight-lifting, neglecting the hamstrings and glutes. This past week focusing on them has lightened the load a bit, and my walking gait is nearly normal again. Just have to deal with the stiffness. The other part is therapy. Getting there has seemingly gotten tougher, that might be because of my weight though. Whatever. I still make it there. Some of the sessions though, a lot has come out. I feel like I'm making progress, though in what direction I can't be positive. My whole goal was to regain my eye-sight, but is the attainment of such continually to remain on the horizon? Hard to tell. The last part is me getting back to my roots--what got me involved in all this in the first place. Those are the books by W...

 Below I'll post the transcript of an internal conversation with myself. Asked me answers last night and they came. The key has always been within my grasp... I realize that women kind of are what they are at this point and thinking about the past. Well, thinking about my life, you know. I go back to a book by Maxwell Maltz, called Psycho-Cybernetics. And in the book, he talks about how some people would change once they had the plastic surgery and some people would not. What was the reason why the people didn't change remained the same even though they looked drastically different? And he came up with the concept of an internal image of self-image and yeah, methods or techniques somehow to change that.  All the stuff I have learned over the years from great mentors like supreme and some other folks as well confirms that, in different aspects at least. I realize that I have not really shifted my internal image much. I've shifted it a bit, but that came over time. Life inten...