clear vision - clear results

2025 was a rough year. Rough, rough year. Though much didn't happen in terms of events, there were some long drawn out circumstances that I had to battle through. The major one, was my impending death. Toward fall, around September and past, I felt myself fading. I was losing my will to live. It wasn't a sudden thing, it had been building, or rather, degrading, into that since the start of the year. In a last ditch effort I went and got some more therapy. It helped, but not for awhile. Then, after my birthday, I felt the emotions brunt and full force, on November 11th. I was ready, ready to leave life. The entire night, that's where I was. I was ready to get my affairs in order, set up a trust, and all of that. I promised to sleep it off and see where I was in the morning. The feeling of despair minimized a great deal. I think that was me releasing some energy in the oral segment, because ever since then, I've had less of an inclination to overeat or even eat at all. Th...

In roughly a little more than a week from now, or ten days, I'll be returning to New York, to try and advance in my quest. This is the first time I can remember not feeling thrilled. I am a bit afraid actually. It's reached almost an existential dread at points. In past days there was merely the compulsion to go, the compulsion to see if I could recover my eyesight, that drove me forward.  This is the first time I'm not looking forward to it. Why is this? Not sure. The path feels much like isolation to some extent. It is said that there are two types of pain: the pain that hurts, and the pain that alters. It's more than likely I'll have to relive both, to get where I need to be. Whatever happens at the end of it, I won't be the same. But isn't that what I've always been reaching for?

The past few years, hell, since 2020 really, my energy has been depleted. Lately, the past few months, I've been waking up, asking for a reason why, to do anything. Most days, I feel as if nothing matters, that I don't simply care about anything. It all seems so pointless. A day or two ago, I realized I had no motivation to continue, even living perhaps. There was just nothing left. So, I asked myself, should I continue? Everywhere I turned, there was a wall. But somewhere, there was a faint voice, my own perhaps, agreeing with me that nothing matters, but move forward anyway. For the mere sake of it. Just because. It whispered back to me, just try this one thing, even though it might not matter, just to see if it could make a difference. I'll try to keep going from here. From at least March to September, I'll get at least 5 minutes of sun a day. Maybe from there, I'll chase the sun to the south equator, when the financial timing is right, but I can't keep livin...

I tried this for one day, on Sep 3rd, and wow, the day after. I woke up feeling as if I'd touched the power cosmic! Since then I've been doing a bit of research on it, and from what I understand, there are a few things to note: It's much more advantageous than water fasting (which some refer to as wet fasting, didn't know that), up to 3x in fact It must be conducted carefully, because it actually is closer to starvation than water fasting could ever be It is fantastic at healing and restoring health Apparently in the 1950s and beyond, Russian doctors really got into it, as the Soviet govt was funding it (primarily as a means of prevention, to keep medical costs down), and as many as 82 doctoral thesis were defended on it from then until 1990. Amazing.  Further back than that though, some Russian doctors have a storied history of fasting, from the early-mid 1800s or so. There are some books I want to buy, particularly from the Russian doctor: Dr. Sergei Filonov, who appe...

I finally have my technique! Free at last, free at last, thank the Lord, I'm free at last. So, I put my mind over the past few days to find a technique that works for me. It hit me recently, that I waste, or use, a lot of my free time contemplating technical problems at work. But how much of my brainpower goes unused on my own personal problems! With those parameters in mind, I was sitting in the park on 96th and Madison, practicing yesterday, when it came to me.  If I: Find a way to keep my focus past 1-3 seconds Satisfy my mind's predilection for novelty. Current method is to count upwards from 1-30, with colored numbers inside of some shape, such as a hexagon, triangle or square, while attempting to read the letters or words on signs, vehicles, and buildings Keep pace with what I can already do, in terms of distance (no more than 30-40 feet) currently, extending as I go Remain still, in order that I may focus better And make a conscious effort to drop the squint while I'...

It's been actually a lot longer than that, counting all the unnecessary nonsense I went through as a kid, but that's the year when I started my self-improvement "journey". In reality, it's been a lot of dead ends, and stalled starts, but I'm finally moving ahead in a steady way. By this I mean the improving of my eyesight, and also certain other issues, that led me to spend, getting close to $100k at this point. But I don't care. I'm almost there. I figured out finally how to keep my energy high enough in order to boost the utility I gain from all of the sessions. The key, believe it or not, was Vitamin D3 . Since I've been taking that, nearly every day, from last December on, I've been making incredible progress. I spent a month and a half already in NYC doing 37 sessions, and I'll be back in 2 weeks to keep it going. I want this to be my summer, and I'll do what I have to, to get there.  In other events, I've been fasting like a m...

So, I've been back in New York for about 2 weeks now, and it's been a grind. At points, it has felt like my body was falling apart--specifically, my lower legs. I think that comes down to training issues. I'd been focusing too heavily on quads in my return to weight-lifting, neglecting the hamstrings and glutes. This past week focusing on them has lightened the load a bit, and my walking gait is nearly normal again. Just have to deal with the stiffness. The other part is therapy. Getting there has seemingly gotten tougher, that might be because of my weight though. Whatever. I still make it there. Some of the sessions though, a lot has come out. I feel like I'm making progress, though in what direction I can't be positive. My whole goal was to regain my eye-sight, but is the attainment of such continually to remain on the horizon? Hard to tell. The last part is me getting back to my roots--what got me involved in all this in the first place. Those are the books by W...

 Below I'll post the transcript of an internal conversation with myself. Asked me answers last night and they came. The key has always been within my grasp... I realize that women kind of are what they are at this point and thinking about the past. Well, thinking about my life, you know. I go back to a book by Maxwell Maltz, called Psycho-Cybernetics. And in the book, he talks about how some people would change once they had the plastic surgery and some people would not. What was the reason why the people didn't change remained the same even though they looked drastically different? And he came up with the concept of an internal image of self-image and yeah, methods or techniques somehow to change that.  All the stuff I have learned over the years from great mentors like supreme and some other folks as well confirms that, in different aspects at least. I realize that I have not really shifted my internal image much. I've shifted it a bit, but that came over time. Life inten...

I haven't covered my trip to Texas yet, but it led me to discover some things. One is I do not take constant criticism well, and it came in high doses from K. So that leads me to believe that I'm better off, not on my own, but spread out as I were before. I went to three cities for my "Texas Triangle", here's the breakdown: San Antonio: has SeaWorld, the River Walk, which is great, and the Alamo. Had a good time, but it has a sleepy sort of bedroom community vibe. Houston: very urban, very crowded. Some folks w/ great houses there in the city itself, and good local musical talent. Very much my vibe, but different than eastern cities in some sense. More...mid-western I suppose one could say. Austin: lots of fun. music every which way you go. Would come back just to hang out. Creatives definitely flock here for a reason. Went to quite a few music events--Zapp & Roger, local improvisational talent, and local groups everywhere else. This is seven days a week! I...

My big leap this summer, and this year, will be the return of my dreams, specifically, my remembrance of them. After about a week now, of remembering them upon waking, I see they are quite mundane and filled w/ worry about what could potentially go wrong in my daily life, provided I make certain mistakes. Situations like sleeping in late, or not giving certain women what they want, it's all so...quotidian. In some measure this must hold me back. Perhaps, no, it's likely that I need an imagination upgrade. Now that I have visibility into these aspects of my nightly cerebrations, I can take steps to correct them. I'm already on the way to correcting my weight issues. Just takes focus and imagination over a period of time.

What a year this was. I was going to say 'probably' the most productive of my career, but there's no 'probably' about it. This was the most productive year of my career, and maybe my life too. Since summer 2021 I had been working 2 jobs, and that job ended at the end of August. From there, I took some time to recover, about a month, actually that's not true. On the very day it was ending, a recruiter called me, for another position! I accepted since the pay was good. That started a month later, beginning of October. Since then, it's been a rollercoaster ride. I picked up another job, shortly after, at the same firm where the other job ended, but that didn't start until November. I also didn't mention the other job I do, working for another state agency, albeit part-time.  Backing up from the start of the year, at my original job, my previous manager got promoted, then I switched teams, and from there--got hired on full time. It's a state agency,...

An animal is at its most vulnerable during a few phases of necessary biological function. Sleeping. Mating. And with some animals, shedding its skin to make room for a new one. As it for animals, so it is for humans.  I've made the mental decision to change this summer, and I intend to go through with it. I suppose throughout the process, my old (mental) skin will be pushed to the fore, and I'll be vulnerable throughout that time. Not to a huge extent, but already I'm seeing negative movements on multiple fronts. I can only hope that nothing goes too badly for me during the transformation.

 I'm 99% sure more mental work is required. Staying on point mentally is a job in and of itself, both from assaults within and without, but lately it seems like whenever I take a rest break from affirming my intuition or my instinct, I fall back into whatever identity I have "by default", and, suffice it to say, the social and interpersonal results are subpar, at best. The true state of things is that more work has to be done mentally, since, as a man thinketh, so therefore is he. James Allen wrote of this, quite eloquently in his timeless book. I want to get to the point where when I wake up, my thoughts default to a strong, impervious state, not whatever trauma has informed and is still influencing my thinking. Living in my new home now, I'll be fine to do this. I have the main workbook required, and I'll take it forward from here. If its important, and it is, I'll make the time to accomplish this. Career goals, et al, aren't as nearly as important as de...

Salt is more important than sugar. I believe this is the key. As a kind of proof, today I weighed about 316.7 later in the day, after eating a ton of ice cream last night. Yesterday I was around 319. In other words, I lost weight eating tons of Cold Stone.  I believe flushing out the excess salt is what my body has been trying to do for months now, but I have been haplessly cutting it out from completing that process. I've been reading and have a ton of notes, it has likely also been giving me intermittent headaches. 500-1500mg seems to be a good cutoff point. Undoubtedly, I've been consuming much more than that. I can see it all around me as well. Salt leads to excess water. Excess water causes bloat. Americans are nothing if not bloated. It also causes puffiness, and I see that puffy occasionally in myself and in many others. This is the key. Intuition has led me here, and truly, an inkling of the solution to my weight woes has been on the outside of my mind for weeks now. I ...

Its been too long since I've updated, I really should be more on top of this. I'll attempt to post quarterly going forward, at least when the seasons shift, at minimum. On to the updates: The biggest event this year is probably myself starting a new job. I'm working two jobs at once, one for a govt agency and another for a big, well-known international bank. The bank job is the newer, been at it for a few weeks now. Its been eye-opening seeing how others use the technology I specialize in, and the opportunity to learn and experience new tools is exciting. Its been fun so far, being around real pros there. A few long nights, but nothing I can't handle, and that's to be expected given the nature of what I do, at least occasionally. Travel wise, I haven't been to too many places this year: just NYC for a month, in May, for treatment. Had to return because I didn't have enough $$$ . Then, two weeks ago, I traveled to Denver, stayed the weekend, and had a great t...

What a year. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Actually , this year was mainly the worst of times. A worldwide pandemic hit, in the novel coronavirus (COVID-19), Kobe Bryant died in January, I couldn't go to the Olympics in Japan, and one of my Uncles just died Sunday night, 12/27, of a heart attack. His name was Uncle Tony. Rest in Paradise. On the flip-side of all of that, I was able to get three consecutive months of treatment in, in New York City. It totaled to 84 sessions. Cost was a pretty penny, but at least I'm firmly on the path, toward health. My brother is here, visiting in Phoenix, taking in the sights. I hope he decides to move here, as it would be very good for him. I bedded two new women this year, a doctor and a writer, both in NYC. Had some long nights there. Got a raise at work. In conclusion, some positive happened for me, for sure. Overall, I had a decent year this year. I was expecting more out of it, of course, but it wasn't too bad....

  I'm almost there...I go to NYC in a few weeks to do 3-4 sessions weekly, for at least three weeks, maybe more if I can. Now that the coronavirus pandemic has lessened to a large degree in New York City, I'll be able to go there and do what I've been wanting to do, which is get more sessions. I have enough money saved up now, and my job situation is fine. I haven't been in the office since mid March. I have no need to be in Phoenix for the time being. Everything is remote now. Speaking on the coronavirus pandemic, I feel I should say a few words on how disruptive it has been to my daily life, and the lives of the world in general. First, on its origins. It came from China. Officials there it originated in the "wet markets", where merchants and food vendors sell and eat strange delicacies, such as bats and other creatures, but in my opinion, thats a farce, especially considering how trust-worthy CCP officials are known to be. I personally believe it came from ...

Its been almost two months since Kobe Bryant passed, in a helicopter crash on January 26, 2020, and I feel ready to commit to paper (or digital medium) how I felt. Long story short, it hurt. It took awhile for the shock to wear off, and a few times, I felt like crying, but no tears would come. But after some time, reality began to set in. The day after it happened, I awoke to find a world that was no better than the day before. I admired him for so long. It seemed as if he would live forever. He accomplished a great deal and was destined for even more. He almost seemed immortal. But no man is immortal, in the real sense. Memento mori . I recently watched Stephon Marbury talk about Kobe, and he said he saw that Kobe Bryant was becoming a spirit on this Earth. He truly was. He embodied the spirit of the game. Pure competition, self-improvement, directed aggressiveness, focus and relentlessness toward reaching a goal. Thats who he was. He reached a point where he was bigger ...

A co-worker told me about the game of cricket the other day and I found it to be quite interesting. The game is played with a ball, bat, pitcher and hitter. The pitcher throws, and if the batter hits he scores points, the amount of which depending on the type of hit. Six points are for balls that fly past a certain line without touching the ground, and four points if the hit ball touches the ground and crosses the line. To score you have to run past a line of gravel or sand of sorts and brush past what are called "wickets". I found the game to be interesting. Its a British creation and British export, therefore Australia, the West Indies, India and a few other countries play it both amateur-wise and professionally. Other than these sporting exploits, things have been steady on my end. Currently I'm saving up as much cash as I can, for the trip back to NYC to convalesce. Glad the holidays are over, now I can put more money away. I'm thinking late spring is when I'l...

This is a quick accounting of my two therapy sessions. I'll post my thoughts on New York and seeing my family in a separate post. 9/3 therapy. First session since October 2018 . It was at his home office, in Scarsdale. Scarsdale is very nice, the houses are big and upscale. Given that its Westchester though,  I suppose that's to be expected. Doc seemed more comfortable than I ever remember him being in New York. The environment in the city must add to his stress. We covered my mistrust of everything,  even apparently of my family, who I hadn't seen in five years. I told of how I was holding off on seeing them into I got down in weight,  fearing a negative judgment since I've ballooned up. When this was rebutted, then the notion that they couldn't say anything since I was paying for everything entered my thoughts, to which Doc responded "Oh, so you bought them off?" with obvious skeptical mirth. Apparently the thought that their gratitude in seeing ...